Applauding the Graphite County Opera House
It’s no secret that Daddy doesn’t play small-ball. No matter what, he swings for the fences. Case in point: he owns this dysfunctional TV station in a wayward, backwater region carved out of the industrial wasteland of our American past, hidden from the rigors and realities of modern-day commerce. But you’d never know the pissant nature of this station by looking at its sales brochure. Daddy managed to score the 4,500-seat Graphite County Opera House as part of the deal. This means that Morris...
A Strange New Locale
For better or worse, Silt Ridge is the new home of Morris Crimpanfortis V. His chief goal is to get back to Burbank in order to start producing TV shows again, which is what he does best. But having spent months in this backwater market, he’s beginning to wonder if he’ll ever bust loose again. Things could be a lot worse though. Silt Ridge is built on hills and ridges, a lot like San Francisco. Only it lacks the water, the bridges, North Beach, Pacific Heights, cypress trees and the Marina...
Closet Organizers Unite!
WXX-TV, the lone television broadcast property in Silt Ridge, Pennsylvania, is not what you would consider a powerhouse outlet. We hook up to a satellite system out of New Orleans (when the satellite is working), and they sell things like jewelry and closet organizers. I can’t say as though the network sells much merchandise on our station, because people looking for their next meal aren’t much into buying closet organizers. We do have the “Silt Ridge Midnight News” in which we report on all...
Client Adoration Gets Sloppy
Dirkie Tirk, President and CEO of Hose Powder, Inc. – “Your most trusted name in stunt recruitment, rigging and choreography” – takes the opportunity of a thank you letter to talk Noreen Crimpanfortis out of using her brother Morris V on a display in Nashville. Dirkie is as tactful as possible, explaining that conditions get very detrimental at those heights in the middle of the night high above Music City. It’s no place for lightweights. Dirkie in no way wants to cast aspersions on Morris V,...
How to Safely Sex a Gator
An interoffice memo from Roscoe Dubesquee, Head Maintenance Tech and Rat Wrangler, asks Noreen Crimpanfortis to clarify her stand on the gator. There is a question of size, disposition and sex. Roscoe doesn’t know if a female would be such a good choice. He wonders about her laying eggs on the living room floor high above the Interstate. He also inquires if they think they’re going to sell air conditioners in the middle of an Ohio winter. Roscoe is fully prepared to drive to Florida to take...
Cue the Gator
Noreen Crimpanfortis delivers a press release that shows the ingenuity and creativity of the Crimpanfortis advertising group. It’s no secret they will go to any length to best the competition. The Lader HVAC group is the newest company to employ the patented “Crimpanfortis Touch” to bring great notoriety to its brand. Why the gator you may ask? Well, the name “Lader” over the years came to be associated with the old saying “Later Gator.” So, when they approached the Crimpanfortis family, they...
Taking the Plunge in Tucson
Noreen Crimpanfortis puts out a press release gushing about the newest Crimpanfortis outdoor marvel – an Interstate lagoon for cliff divers. Right about where I-19 meets the southbound Irvington exit ramp, the folks from Million Mile Airways are planning a spectacle that will make even seasoned motorists blanch. Divers will vault from the catwalk of the billboard from 250 up. “Don’t try this at home,” Ms. Crimpanfortis laughingly warns. Motorists get a splash of the action from the...
Kansas City Crotch Kick
Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs, proudly announces the launch of a new display above Kansas City for “The Verdict,” a home alarm system that really packs a wallop. The ranch-style house is positioned on a platform 210 feet above the onramp where I-70 meets the 435. The actors, all clad like cat burglars, dangle from a hovering helicopter and are thwarted each time they try to break in. Be especially cautious of the patented bricks that explode into groins when a...
Daredevils Have More Fun
Dirkie Tirk, President and CEO of Hose Powder, Inc., is an old friend of the Crimpanfortis family, having partnered with Aurora Crimpanfortis in her early barnstorming days. Dirkie provides the match that ignites the fuse that brings the spectacular Crimpanfortis “Live-Action Billboards” to life. As exclusive supplier of wingsuits, rapid-deploy parachutes, bungee cords, body harnesses, cranes, jerk lifts, fall decelerators, jetpacks, rocket belts, suspension systems and high-speed winches, he...
Your Stinking Crybaby Attitude
In this scathing interoffice memo, Noreen goes off on members of the ensemble cast of actors, trapped in the cutaway row home atop the billboard at the Columbus Blvd. exit ramp high above South Philly. Jacob gets burned for eating cereal in his underwear, but can you blame him? He and five other professional pitch-persons have been trapped atop this vertical asylum for almost six months now . . . and are growing more hostile by the minute! Noreen next lays down the law: don’t dump your laundry...