An interoffice memo from Roscoe Dubesquee, Head Maintenance Tech and Rat Wrangler, asks Noreen Crimpanfortis to clarify her stand on the gator. There is a question of size, disposition and sex. Roscoe doesn’t know if a female would be such a good choice. He wonders about her laying eggs on the living room floor high above the Interstate. He also inquires if they think they’re going to sell air conditioners in the middle of an Ohio winter. Roscoe is fully prepared to drive to Florida to take delivery on the critter, but just wants to make sure he’s doing the right thing. The minute you get an alligator on your payroll, you’re kind of stuck with the not-so-cute-and-cuddly fallout.

TO: Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs

FROM: Roscoe Dubesquee, Head Maintenance Tech and Rat Wrangler

RE: That Alligator You Requested


You asked me to look into what is entailed shipping a gator up from Florida to Dayton.  Let me first make sure I’ve got this straight: it’s Dayton Ohio not Daytona, FL correct? You realize, of course, it would be a whole lot cheaper if it was Daytona Fla? Let me tell you how messed up this can get if we don’t cross our tees and dot our eyes.

Is this Even Legal?

First of all, somebody is going to have to check with the state, b/c the outfit I found who will sell me the critter does not ship to certain states, including OHi, without all the paperwork from the game commission and stuff like that. So we need to check with them. I’m not sure how big you want the thing out of the box. The place I’m talking to sells them from a foot to eight feet. You can get their feed pellets for twelve bucks a bag. They go through about a pound a day. It’s organic stuff and high in protein. Gators don’t eat much. Tell that to the drunk trying to pet one on the snout. Hah!

I Just Work Here

Please, can somebody tell me what an alligator has to do with air conditioners? This is the company we’re working with on this, right? The HVAC guys? You realize we’re starting the campaign in the dead of winter. I hope we’re not trying to sell air conditioners in the middle of an Ohio winter. Does this mean we need to knit a coat for the big lizard? And how are we getting him atop the catwalk, are we going to hoist him in a sling? Do we even know if it’s a . . . him? Maybe we want a “her” instead. Just sayin’. It’s your call.

How do you know a Male from a Female Gator?

I can make a joke about the male/female thing but I know it would get me canned so I’ll beg off. I’ve been to all the seminars, even the ones on the Internet, and I know how much stock you put in them, particularly the videos, and so I can respect that b/c I want to keep my job. Even though my job some days seems a little fuzzy. BTW, I’m talkin’ videos about how to act in the workplace, not videos about telling if a gator is a man or woman. Am I clear on this? And oh, BTBTW, am I going to OH to help this bad boy up on the planks? And he ain’t gonna go ‘round the clock I hope. Is he just gonna lay up there on the living room floor? I hope nobody thinks a gator’s gonna just lay there.

We’ll Know Soon Enough about this Man or Woman Thing

I guess we’ll know soon enough if it’s a female if it starts laying eggs. Is everyone prepared for that? Huh? Your prize gator starts dropping eggs on the living room floor above the Interstate. There you go, that’s a real can of worms. Maybe I should specify a male, have somebody get his fingers bit off while checking him out. Oops, I maybe shouldn’t have said that. Guess I need to go back to that dad-blamed workplace video.

Then, you know what’s gonna happen if something goes haywire. If the crane drops the sling and the gator hits his head on the widescreen TV. That wild-haired PEOPLE group is gonna be gunning for us. Oh yeah, baby, we won’t need heaters with them breathing down our necks. Are y’all ready for that?

What’s wrong with a Little Female Companionship?

So what’s it gonna be? Do I drive down to the farm and pick the scaly celebrity up? If so, somebody’s gonna have to pull the permit. Hey, I think I just figured something out. Why don’t we get both? How would you like to be some guy sent up from a harem in Fla to hang out on a living room floor atop a freezing billboard in OH? Does something sound really wrong with that? How about a little female companionship? Now we’re talking, right? I’ll bet that’ll make the mean ‘ol dude happy.

And Ms. Crimpanfortis, ma’am, while we’re on the subject, you think I could get that raise we talked about a few months ago?