Political Perp Walk

Salty McStarryffar, emboldened reporter for the Millennium Mercury, chides timid readers who object to the Kalabrashion’s queasy display in Carlsbad, CA that turns a billboard into a prison for disgraced politicians. But wait, there’s more! Playing on the “stool pigeon” aspects (because you know these nitwits would sing like canaries in order to reduce their well-deserved sentences), we transition to “stool softeners.” So these arrogant fools are now the unwitting spokespersons for laxatives – in what amounts to the EXACT OPPOSITE of what a well-choreographed Crimpanfortis display would evoke.

You Got a Problem with Convicted Politicians on a Billboard?

How’d They Get up there in the First Place?

So I ask you: what’s wrong with a billboard doubling as a federal maximum-security prison for disgraced politicians? I mean really . . . what’s the big stinkin’ deal?

I’m so sick and tired of your pansy-cake people moaning and groaning about Paymor Kalabrashion’s latest work of art. Yes, that is correct: he has elevated outdoor advertising to an art form–unlike that cheapo Hyper-Citation outfit you always hear about that think they’re king of the hill just because they love the bungee cord. I’m talking purebred creativity with the Kalabrashion crew, the family dedicated to outdoor excellence. They make it real with all of their downtrodden themes. Who could ever forget the raingear display where the billboard contingent carried umbrellas that opened up as buzz-saws? BLAMO-gee-oh-whiz, what a gut-wrenching display, filled with hypersensitivity and American angst. Will you ever forget the name of Caesar’s Tool and Supply based on that award-winning campaign, the best diamond-tipped saw blades in the free world?

What’s your Beef with the Carlsbad Display? – Jerk!

Now, my latest beef is with you bleeding hearts who take umbrage with Paymor Kalabrashion’s display in Carlsbad, California. Welcome to Death Valley, you pampered fools. What did you expect: cherry blossoms and kitten whiskers? So you’ve got some politicians gone bad wearing prison puce atop a billboard towering above the desert. Excuse me, is anyone judging these sad sacks? Are you telling me the same thing couldn’t happen to you, given similar miserable circumstances? Then just shut up and go back to your corner you blithering wine-sucking morons.

Excuse me, does anyone have a problem with these crooks promoting a dietary fiber product? Our resident genius, Paymor Kalabrashion, has hit gold in so many winning ways across all platforms. First of all, you have the stark visuals. Imagine yourself, average motorist–that would be you, fool–tooling through the desert, wondering if it is ever going to end, then BLAMO-gee-oh-whiz, you come upon this mammoth billboard with the cutaway cell doors and ball and chain and puce-suited celebrity politicos. You know all their names, you’ve ogled them on the tube before. As a sidebar, they could even stage fights with their lawyers who couldn’t figure out how to get them off for good behavior. You know those lovable politicians, always angling to stage something salacious, heh-heh.

Stool Pigeons Get a New M.O.

Then you’ve got the added bonus of them promoting the benefits of a bona-fide fiber product. Think about this: how revolutionary is it to utilize hardened criminals, former career politicians, to talk about stool softeners? You’ve heard of stool pigeons in the incarceration vernacular; I guess stool softeners fits right in with that jargon. So you see the softer side of these crooked politicos–I’m talking both in the figurative and literal sense here (more pure genius from the copy staff of Paymor Kalabrashion)–and it’s supposed to register with you and ideally make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Are you telling me you have a problem with this whole package? Are you saying that Kalabrashion is exploiting these poor saps, playing off their unfortunate captivity to order them around and dictate what they consume? You got a problem with that, you tree-hugging vermin? For one thing, you’re downright un-American if you don’t see the economy of scale in this beauteous economic model. Why pay for actors when you can get them for free? Why pay stunt people and all the ancillary insurance when you’re dealing with talent that looks upon these adverse conditions as further exposure to promote their oversaturated egos? I know, win-win-win all the way around, right?

Coming to a Rat Farm near You

So to all you naysayers and kneejerk pansies out there, stay in your lane. Realize that you are experiencing the raw power and majesty of a plan working perfectly, playing out across the fruited plain in such a way to make us all proud. The next time you want to put a little fiber in your diet, think of the sorry ex-lawmakers two-hundred feet above the desert floor. Realize the utter genius in using these gilt-edge losers to hammer home the message of regular bowels. Is it any wonder why Paymor Kalabrashion is taking over the world? He’s coming to a rat farm near you, and who knows–maybe the next thieving senator you see will be smiling because of the fiber in his or her diet.

Whatever it takes to push product, right?

Don’t Mess with Piranhas 300 Feet Up

Toby Klabenschattz, junior beat reporter for the Times Herald Chronicle, reports on another car dealership outside Santa Clara, CA that was tricked by the wily, despicable tactics of the greasy Kalabrashion crew. As we all know, the vaunted “Crimpanfortis Touch” represents the gold-standard of outdoor advertising. Chief among corporate dictates is the admonishment to “keep it real.” By that we mean no chintzy fake stuff. And that especially means no animatronics. So why was it so odorous and disgraceful when that shirtless salesman dove into the piranha tank 300 feet above the freeway?

Billboards: A Deadly Business

Apparently, these are not the Nicest of Folk

As our dear beloved town becomes more media savvy with the welcome addition of the Crimpanfortis Empire, including its acquisition of local TV station WVBB and the prospects of “Live-Action Billboards,” I would be remiss if I did not report on the company’s chief nemesis and arch-rival, the Paymor Kalabrashion family, otherwise known as the “Crew of Collusion,” or “Bearers of Bedlam.”

Beware of Being Eaten Alive

As my sources confirm, apparently the two families have been battling it out for generations, starting with newspaper wars and following along through radio, TV and now outdoor advertising. I have come to associate the Crimpanfortis brand as representing everything pure, wholesome and comely, whereas, to my understanding, the Kalabrashions are a brunch of crude, cheap and dastardly roustabouts who come off as smooth talkers, but who are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. Sources tell me that you don’t want to be the shepherd around this unruly flock–or should I say bloodthirsty mob? Believe me, you’ll be devoured as an appetizer.

The Death-Defying Aspects of Whimsical Billboards

You will undoubtedly be enraptured by the whimsical displays that the Crimpanfortis family stages across this Great Land of ours. I have already reported in a previous article about the intricacies and death-defying aspects of what it takes to put one of these immersive, interactive spectacles together. If you don’t believe me, just listen to Dirkie Tirk, the company’s Vice President of Stunt Coordination, as he tells us what it takes to star in one of these Interstate marvels. “Lemme tell you, son,” he says, speaking to me, your humble reporter, “you gotta have the tools that, quite honestly, I don’t think you possess. No offense intended.”

None taken, Mr. Tirk! In fact, I fully intend to interview the maverick stunt impresario for a lengthy, in-depth article at a later date when the master of billboard thrills has a little more spare time. Until then, we can only marvel at the wonders of what he puts together above our nation’s highways and byways. If only Silt Ridge would get one of these authentic crowd-stopper babies.

The Warm and Fuzzy Crowd Need Not Apply

For now, just let it be known that the Kalabrashions are not interested in scoring points with the warm and fuzzy crowd. They opt instead for the down and dirty. Even though robotics have been defunct for decades due to the solar flare fallout, the Kalabrashions allegedly are conducting advanced testing to bring back some of their animatronic applications on an accelerated, albeit a limited basis. Anything to create a perverted and counterfeit means to mimic the Crimpanfortis displays.

100% Pure, Authentic, Genuine and Guaranteed Real

I’m told that everything the Crimpanfortis family stages is real-life. There are no robotics involved. All actors and stunt personnel are one hundred percent human. This represents the purity of the bond between brand, agency and consumer.  That is a sacred bond that can never be broken. The Crimpanfortis family has been servicing clients for generations. They lift brands up and hold them high. It is imperative to present brands in the purest, most truth-serving light. Therefore, all aspects reflected in the “Live-Action Billboards” must be one hundred percent real with no fake aspects, like robots. In other words the consumer must see people–real people (we’re talking one hundred percent men and one hundred percent women here)–putting their lives on the line to promote the brand.

I know what you’re thinking: they could slide in a cyborg or chimera here and there. No dice. The rules of the game state that all billboards are human in every respect. It’s the only way to get the sponsor’s mention effectively out there–and to get the consumer’s abiding attention and lifelong loyalty.

You Can’t Fake Stuff with Piranhas 300 Feet in the Air

The Kalabrashion crowd, on the other hand, thinks nothing of employing robots to do the dirty work. Take the campaign they did for the car dealership in Santa Clara recently. The northern California car dealer contracted with the “Bearers of Bedlam” for a huge billboard on the 880 that showed its top salespeople diving into a clear tank filled with supposedly ravenous piranhas. The whole point of the message was their willingness to go the extra mile to make a good deal for the customer. And to prove their point, they were willing to risk being literally “eaten alive.”

But the only problem was, the piranhas were animatronic. So the whole deal was a charade, an evil fraud, just like the rest of the Kalabrashion ruse. As I, your loyal reporter, have learned time and time again, you can’t fake anything. In the time-honored, trademarked “Crimpanfortis Path to Excellence,” your goal is to create a connection between you and your customers based on one hundred percent reality. Anything less is a sham. It’s just the opposite of what you see repeatedly with the Kalabrashions who perpetrate a reality-based milieu promulgated on deceit, sleight of hand and delusion.

Woeful Truth-in-Advertising Issues

So, in the twisted Kalabrashion equation, there appears to be voluminous truth-in-advertising issues, not to mention desensitizing the public into blindly accepting the horrific consequences of a piranha-induced feeding frenzy–fake though it was.

And this is somehow supposed to sell more cars?

Give me the patented “Crimpanfortis Touch” any old day of the week, thank you very much. And I am fully confident that I speak for the majority of the American public on this score.

Shaky Driving Above Palm Springs

Noreen Crimpanfortis sniffs out some foul play on the part of the Kalabrashion crew as relates to a dangerous display at a Palm Springs car dealership. The Kalabrashions make a perverted career out of counterfeiting the purity of a grand Crimpanfortis display. In this installment, Noreen calls for an all-hands-on-deck effort to stamp out the efforts of this merry band of jackasses who are using innocent customers to navigate bumper cars three hundred feet above the desert floor. One wrong turn and WHAM-O!

TO: All Staff Personnel

FROM: Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs

RE: Kalabrashion Uprising


I just want to make you all aware of the latest sham being put forth by Paymor Kalabrashion and his band of merry jackasses. Their latest outdoor display somewhere on the 10 out by Palm Springs is purporting a wholesale shakedown of the auto industry. Some poor misguided dealership opened the coffers to this pack of jackals and they have proceeded to bust the doors down.

More Kalabrashion Chaos – A Twisted Vintage Car Carousel 300 Feet Up

The trades are covering this, but if you are heretofore unawares, here’s the rundown in a nutshell: they’re sending customers who claim they got sold a lemon up a pseudo pneumatic elevator to a super billboard high above the dealership lot. There, the hapless people are forced to sit behind the wheel of a vintage convertible Belair where they are required to steer around a ramp encircling the billboard five times. One little twitch and they’re plummeting to the lot below. Rumor has it they’re extending the rideshare program to people who visit the dealership but refuse to buy a car. So they’re held hostage until this little act can play out.

I know we’ve discussed this in the past, but the Kalabrashions are a bunch of vipers looking to take us down. Morey, you in particular are the most susceptible to their evil wiles. I know you’re also the most gullible, and they will stop at nothing to worm their way into the family business with the goal of causing us potentially irrecoverable harm.

Our Superior Stunt Personnel will Always Save the Day

That’s why I want all hands on deck on this matter. They are trying to bring us down in the trades, telling reporters that we wanted to do the dealership trick first with frightened customers. Let me tell you something, and if you all don’t know this by now, you shouldn’t even be working here: Hyper-Citation stages its own death-defying displays that make this one look like child’s play. The only difference is Hyper-Citation uses its own stunt personnel. And the stakes are never higher when we put on a display. There is no way we would involve innocent bystanders in these evil games of tugging on the heartstrings. You all know how much time, thought and energy goes into staging one of these ultra-coordinated displays, not to mention pure guts. Don’t let anybody tell you differently. The Crimpanfortis name stands apart. Never forget that.

Dirkie Tirk, I’m placing you and your capable department on high alert. Fan out across the countryside and start sniffing around to see if these animals are up to no good. I’m beginning to smell a rat the size of Texas and a full-scale takedown. We want to beat them to the punch, whatever they have planned, and turn it right back on them.

That goes for vandalism too. I’m sure they would like nothing more than to destroy the infrastructure integral to one of our displays. Why stop at one? Maybe they have a whole series of boards in mind. Don’t take anything for granted. Our stunt people must remain alert at all times to the perils that the Kalabrashions represent. I know how difficult this is because of the extreme conditions endured by our precious stunt persons at those mind-blowing heights, incurring frigid temperatures and hammering wind currents, but there you have it. That’s the challenge that’s spread out before us.

A Special Warning for our Weakest Leak . . . That Would Be You, Morris

That should just about do it for now. Morey, I’m warning you, keep a vigilant eye for anything suspicious. They are going for the weakest link, and that’s clearly you. We’re currently mopping the floor on the national stage with these losers and I want to maintain the upper hand in all of our dealings. Our overriding goal is to keep the Interstates free of riff-raff so that Hyper-Citation’s brilliant brand continues to shine through. Remember: these knuckleheads don’t have a clue. They have made a career preying on us and sucking the life out of the industry. We owe it to ourselves–and the world–to fight them to the death.

Just to be clear on this: we don’t hit below the belt

At least not when we can help it.