Toby Klabenschattz, junior beat reporter for the Times Herald Chronicle, reports on another car dealership outside Santa Clara, CA that was tricked by the wily, despicable tactics of the greasy Kalabrashion crew. As we all know, the vaunted “Crimpanfortis Touch” represents the gold-standard of outdoor advertising. Chief among corporate dictates is the admonishment to “keep it real.” By that we mean no chintzy fake stuff. And that especially means no animatronics. So why was it so odorous and disgraceful when that shirtless salesman dove into the piranha tank 300 feet above the freeway?

Billboards: A Deadly Business

Apparently, these are not the Nicest of Folk

As our dear beloved town becomes more media savvy with the welcome addition of the Crimpanfortis Empire, including its acquisition of local TV station WVBB and the prospects of “Live-Action Billboards,” I would be remiss if I did not report on the company’s chief nemesis and arch-rival, the Paymor Kalabrashion family, otherwise known as the “Crew of Collusion,” or “Bearers of Bedlam.”

Beware of Being Eaten Alive

As my sources confirm, apparently the two families have been battling it out for generations, starting with newspaper wars and following along through radio, TV and now outdoor advertising. I have come to associate the Crimpanfortis brand as representing everything pure, wholesome and comely, whereas, to my understanding, the Kalabrashions are a brunch of crude, cheap and dastardly roustabouts who come off as smooth talkers, but who are really wolves in sheep’s clothing. Sources tell me that you don’t want to be the shepherd around this unruly flock–or should I say bloodthirsty mob? Believe me, you’ll be devoured as an appetizer.

The Death-Defying Aspects of Whimsical Billboards

You will undoubtedly be enraptured by the whimsical displays that the Crimpanfortis family stages across this Great Land of ours. I have already reported in a previous article about the intricacies and death-defying aspects of what it takes to put one of these immersive, interactive spectacles together. If you don’t believe me, just listen to Dirkie Tirk, the company’s Vice President of Stunt Coordination, as he tells us what it takes to star in one of these Interstate marvels. “Lemme tell you, son,” he says, speaking to me, your humble reporter, “you gotta have the tools that, quite honestly, I don’t think you possess. No offense intended.”

None taken, Mr. Tirk! In fact, I fully intend to interview the maverick stunt impresario for a lengthy, in-depth article at a later date when the master of billboard thrills has a little more spare time. Until then, we can only marvel at the wonders of what he puts together above our nation’s highways and byways. If only Silt Ridge would get one of these authentic crowd-stopper babies.

The Warm and Fuzzy Crowd Need Not Apply

For now, just let it be known that the Kalabrashions are not interested in scoring points with the warm and fuzzy crowd. They opt instead for the down and dirty. Even though robotics have been defunct for decades due to the solar flare fallout, the Kalabrashions allegedly are conducting advanced testing to bring back some of their animatronic applications on an accelerated, albeit a limited basis. Anything to create a perverted and counterfeit means to mimic the Crimpanfortis displays.

100% Pure, Authentic, Genuine and Guaranteed Real

I’m told that everything the Crimpanfortis family stages is real-life. There are no robotics involved. All actors and stunt personnel are one hundred percent human. This represents the purity of the bond between brand, agency and consumer.  That is a sacred bond that can never be broken. The Crimpanfortis family has been servicing clients for generations. They lift brands up and hold them high. It is imperative to present brands in the purest, most truth-serving light. Therefore, all aspects reflected in the “Live-Action Billboards” must be one hundred percent real with no fake aspects, like robots. In other words the consumer must see people–real people (we’re talking one hundred percent men and one hundred percent women here)–putting their lives on the line to promote the brand.

I know what you’re thinking: they could slide in a cyborg or chimera here and there. No dice. The rules of the game state that all billboards are human in every respect. It’s the only way to get the sponsor’s mention effectively out there–and to get the consumer’s abiding attention and lifelong loyalty.

You Can’t Fake Stuff with Piranhas 300 Feet in the Air

The Kalabrashion crowd, on the other hand, thinks nothing of employing robots to do the dirty work. Take the campaign they did for the car dealership in Santa Clara recently. The northern California car dealer contracted with the “Bearers of Bedlam” for a huge billboard on the 880 that showed its top salespeople diving into a clear tank filled with supposedly ravenous piranhas. The whole point of the message was their willingness to go the extra mile to make a good deal for the customer. And to prove their point, they were willing to risk being literally “eaten alive.”

But the only problem was, the piranhas were animatronic. So the whole deal was a charade, an evil fraud, just like the rest of the Kalabrashion ruse. As I, your loyal reporter, have learned time and time again, you can’t fake anything. In the time-honored, trademarked “Crimpanfortis Path to Excellence,” your goal is to create a connection between you and your customers based on one hundred percent reality. Anything less is a sham. It’s just the opposite of what you see repeatedly with the Kalabrashions who perpetrate a reality-based milieu promulgated on deceit, sleight of hand and delusion.

Woeful Truth-in-Advertising Issues

So, in the twisted Kalabrashion equation, there appears to be voluminous truth-in-advertising issues, not to mention desensitizing the public into blindly accepting the horrific consequences of a piranha-induced feeding frenzy–fake though it was.

And this is somehow supposed to sell more cars?

Give me the patented “Crimpanfortis Touch” any old day of the week, thank you very much. And I am fully confident that I speak for the majority of the American public on this score.