Closet Organizers Unite!

WXX-TV, the lone television broadcast property in Silt Ridge, Pennsylvania, is not what you would consider a powerhouse outlet. We hook up to a satellite system out of New Orleans (when the satellite is working), and they sell things like jewelry and closet organizers. I can’t say as though the network sells much merchandise on our station, because people looking for their next meal aren’t much into buying closet organizers. We do have the “Silt Ridge Midnight News” in which we report on all the things that go along with living in a really depressed region with all the stuffing kicked out of it. Yes, it’s really debilitating to watch.

WXX-TV: One Heckuva Lackluster Broadcaster

Bringing Bad TV to an Ungrateful Market

It’s been months and months since I was heartily dispatched from the world-class studio facilities in Burbank and summarily sent packing to WXX-TV, a forlorn broadcast property on the outer reaches of America’s forgotten coal fields. And it’s winter to boot.

Let’s be clear on this: Daddy never wanted this TV station to begin with. The two-bit, flea-gnawed property was a pawn in some higher up horse trading that involved stations in the Orlando and Detroit markets. Don’t ask me about the particulars, do I look like a financial guy? Anyway, the faltering fringe-dweller was thrown into the negotiations and before anyone knew it, it had become a part of Daddy’s group portfolio. It didn’t have much of a coverage area, so to speak, because its signal could never escape the mountainous bowl surrounding the ultra-depressed town of Silt Ridge.

But always the opportunist, Daddy never saw a property he couldn’t squeeze for sofa change. This proved the perfect landing spot following the fallout from my disastrous body cleanse game show in Burbank.

Do I Look Like a Financial Guy to You?

Restoration of my career started with turning around the financial fortunes of this loser. A task easier said than done. Nobody said it was going to be easy. And they were right. I ask you again; do I look like someone who can handled finances to you?

Looking to save a buck, Daddy gutted the facility to skeletal status: utilizing the bare minimum of personnel required by the Federal Communications Commission, I serve as General Manager. My full-time assistant, Verona Kendermants, answers the phones and is in charge of all office affairs including traffic, accounting, correspondence and quarterly filing with the FCC. She also handles camera chores when I tape local public affairs shows and keeps track of our commercial breaks on an Excel spreadsheet (or pencil and paper, if the electricity is down again). She dutifully orders office supplies and other necessities, like toilet paper and coffee filters. Verona makes homemade scented soap in the company kitchen. She is married to a guy who stocks produce at the Carbon County Price-Chucker. She is probably the most successful of us all.

All of our switching is handled out of Daddy’s mid-south hub in Charlotte, NC. Our contract chief engineer serves other stations in the northeast and we don’t see a lot of him. Our ad sales are handled by the Goosche Brothers, a pair of former professional baseball players. They own the media in this pintsize market and conduct business in an intimidating way. They control buys with an iron fist, and are very ruthless in determining who’s a player and who’s not. In all fairness, they’re just too much of a load to try to deal with at this juncture.

The “Silt Ridge Midnight News”–Your Nightly Dose of Despair

Weeknights we air the hour-long Silt Ridge Midnight News utilizing a crew of eager, underappreciated and marginally talented freelancers and volunteers.

We are always staving off creditors because Daddy wants to put me in a position to make me sweat. Daddy negotiated a deal with a shopping channel out of New Orleans that sells stuff like jewelry and closet organizers. We don’t do real well in the marketplace because there are not a lot of people in Silt Ridge looking for jewelry and closet organizers. They may be looking for their next bowl of soup, but not closet organizers.

The One Thing this Joint Has Going for It

The one thing setting this station apart from all of Daddy’s other properties across America is the physical plant. WXX-TV, the pissant TV station, broadcasts from the Graphite County Opera House, which can seat up to 4,500 patrons.

Daddy got the Art-Deco facility on the cheap. Though Silt Ridge no longer boasts a symphony orchestra, the facility truly looks spectacular in the brochure showcasing all of Daddy’s other 28 TV stations. It even puts the property in Manhattan to shame.

Client Adoration Gets Sloppy

Dirkie Tirk, President and CEO of Hose Powder, Inc. – “Your most trusted name in stunt recruitment, rigging and choreography” – takes the opportunity of a thank you letter to talk Noreen Crimpanfortis out of using her brother Morris V on a display in Nashville. Dirkie is as tactful as possible, explaining that conditions get very detrimental at those heights in the middle of the night high above Music City. It’s no place for lightweights. Dirkie in no way wants to cast aspersions on Morris V, but he has to look out for the safety of his stunt professionals. No amateurs are allowed at those heights.

Typical Gushing Thank You Letter with Underlying Agenda

Greetings Noreen,

First off, I wish to thank you for your recent order of Hose Powder rocket belts. I am confident these retooled babies will allow our billboard stunt people the flexibility to perform at far greater efficiency and precision than by deploying rudimental and antiquated bungee cords.

Under separate cover I have sent you guidelines and regulations for the use of these showstoppers. Under normal conditions they provide death-defying color to your promotions. But I don’t need to tell you, in the hands of ne’er-do-wells or rank amateurs they become the stuff of lethal weapons.

I guess it’s concerning this latter point that I write to you. Of course, the real reason is to thank you for the generous order of Hose Powder, Inc. patented rocket belts. But Noreen, our families have been tight for gosh, I don’t know, a number of generations, it seems like a few lifetimes, but I feel the need to broach a rather delicate subject with you, and that is this.

Nashville Spider Web is No Place for Beginners

Your father has got to lay off Morey V with these demands that I consider really dangerous. Now, I’m not calling your dad, Morris Crimpanfortis IV, a dangerous man per se. Please don’t get me wrong. But I think his zeal to make little Morris, his only son by the way, into some sort of swashbuckling billboard superhero who isn’t afraid of his own shadow is well…kind of unfounded. You know, with all due respect, wrongheaded.

Look honey we all have our personality quirks. I’m not trying to get in the middle of family dynamics. But if your dad is trying to make Morey into a “man,” then he might not want to start on a steel spider web 500 feet above Music City. Need I remind you that our stunt people are trained to the max. There is no way you can duplicate the situations these men and women have subjected themselves to over the years to arrive at this point. They are not denizens of some 9:00 to 5:00 office community. So to place Morris in these conditions is not only unfair, it’s in my estimation, deleterious to your brother’s survival.

Billboard Stunts are no Place for Little Morey

I hope I haven’t been too forward Bumpkins. I’m only writing to you in hopes you can head this off at the pass before a disaster occurs. Remember, we have the safety of our professionals to consider as well. Maybe, just maybe if your dad wants to involve Morey in the innerworkings of an exhibition he can use him as a spotter on the bungee platform. You know how we love and need our stagehands.

Anyway dear, it was great seeing you last Thanksgiving. I hope to be in Chi-town sometimes next month and will look forward to catching up over dinner.

Yours Truly,


President and CEO, Hose Powder, Inc

How to Safely Sex a Gator

An interoffice memo from Roscoe Dubesquee, Head Maintenance Tech and Rat Wrangler, asks Noreen Crimpanfortis to clarify her stand on the gator. There is a question of size, disposition and sex. Roscoe doesn’t know if a female would be such a good choice. He wonders about her laying eggs on the living room floor high above the Interstate. He also inquires if they think they’re going to sell air conditioners in the middle of an Ohio winter. Roscoe is fully prepared to drive to Florida to take delivery on the critter, but just wants to make sure he’s doing the right thing. The minute you get an alligator on your payroll, you’re kind of stuck with the not-so-cute-and-cuddly fallout.

TO: Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs

FROM: Roscoe Dubesquee, Head Maintenance Tech and Rat Wrangler

RE: That Alligator You Requested


You asked me to look into what is entailed shipping a gator up from Florida to Dayton.  Let me first make sure I’ve got this straight: it’s Dayton Ohio not Daytona, FL correct? You realize, of course, it would be a whole lot cheaper if it was Daytona Fla? Let me tell you how messed up this can get if we don’t cross our tees and dot our eyes.

Is this Even Legal?

First of all, somebody is going to have to check with the state, b/c the outfit I found who will sell me the critter does not ship to certain states, including OHi, without all the paperwork from the game commission and stuff like that. So we need to check with them. I’m not sure how big you want the thing out of the box. The place I’m talking to sells them from a foot to eight feet. You can get their feed pellets for twelve bucks a bag. They go through about a pound a day. It’s organic stuff and high in protein. Gators don’t eat much. Tell that to the drunk trying to pet one on the snout. Hah!

I Just Work Here

Please, can somebody tell me what an alligator has to do with air conditioners? This is the company we’re working with on this, right? The HVAC guys? You realize we’re starting the campaign in the dead of winter. I hope we’re not trying to sell air conditioners in the middle of an Ohio winter. Does this mean we need to knit a coat for the big lizard? And how are we getting him atop the catwalk, are we going to hoist him in a sling? Do we even know if it’s a . . . him? Maybe we want a “her” instead. Just sayin’. It’s your call.

How do you know a Male from a Female Gator?

I can make a joke about the male/female thing but I know it would get me canned so I’ll beg off. I’ve been to all the seminars, even the ones on the Internet, and I know how much stock you put in them, particularly the videos, and so I can respect that b/c I want to keep my job. Even though my job some days seems a little fuzzy. BTW, I’m talkin’ videos about how to act in the workplace, not videos about telling if a gator is a man or woman. Am I clear on this? And oh, BTBTW, am I going to OH to help this bad boy up on the planks? And he ain’t gonna go ‘round the clock I hope. Is he just gonna lay up there on the living room floor? I hope nobody thinks a gator’s gonna just lay there.

We’ll Know Soon Enough about this Man or Woman Thing

I guess we’ll know soon enough if it’s a female if it starts laying eggs. Is everyone prepared for that? Huh? Your prize gator starts dropping eggs on the living room floor above the Interstate. There you go, that’s a real can of worms. Maybe I should specify a male, have somebody get his fingers bit off while checking him out. Oops, I maybe shouldn’t have said that. Guess I need to go back to that dad-blamed workplace video.

Then, you know what’s gonna happen if something goes haywire. If the crane drops the sling and the gator hits his head on the widescreen TV. That wild-haired PEOPLE group is gonna be gunning for us. Oh yeah, baby, we won’t need heaters with them breathing down our necks. Are y’all ready for that?

What’s wrong with a Little Female Companionship?

So what’s it gonna be? Do I drive down to the farm and pick the scaly celebrity up? If so, somebody’s gonna have to pull the permit. Hey, I think I just figured something out. Why don’t we get both? How would you like to be some guy sent up from a harem in Fla to hang out on a living room floor atop a freezing billboard in OH? Does something sound really wrong with that? How about a little female companionship? Now we’re talking, right? I’ll bet that’ll make the mean ‘ol dude happy.

And Ms. Crimpanfortis, ma’am, while we’re on the subject, you think I could get that raise we talked about a few months ago?