Daredevils Have More Fun

Dirkie Tirk, President and CEO of Hose Powder, Inc., is an old friend of the Crimpanfortis family, having partnered with Aurora Crimpanfortis in her early barnstorming days. Dirkie provides the match that ignites the fuse that brings the spectacular Crimpanfortis “Live-Action Billboards” to life. As exclusive supplier of wingsuits, rapid-deploy parachutes, bungee cords, body harnesses, cranes, jerk lifts, fall decelerators, jetpacks, rocket belts, suspension systems and high-speed winches, he has done it all and seen it all. And he will be the first to tell you that this stunt work is not for everyone.

Meet Dirkie Tirk – Daredevil Extraordinaire

An Old Family Friend

Dirkie Tirk, whose relations with the Crimpanfortis family dynasty began when Mama sought his advice and vast product knowledge on a dangerous aerial stunt she was proposing in the vicinity of Sun Valley, Idaho, has been the sole provider of rigging paraphernalia, as well as supplying a thriving legion of impeccably trained men and women stunt professionals, since Hyper-Citation first started doing “Live-Action Billboards” way back when.

Hyper-Citation Partners with Stunt Supplier Hose Powder, Inc.

As President and CEO of Hose Powder, Mr. Tirk claims that this is somewhat of a departure from his normal line of work. “Yeah, this is a little bit of a head-scratcher if I do say so myself,” the veteran master of stunts confided. “See, we’re used to doing movies and TV, stuff like that. When Hyper-Citation started with their boffo billboards, we had to take a giant step back and assess where they were coming from. I mean really: billboards? Who woulda thunk it,” Mr. Tirk quips. “Seriously, if you know anything about our company, Hose Powder Inc., you know how careful we choose our projects and staging our routines. But once we commit, we’re all in. We’re a go.”

In its exclusive partnership with Hyper-Citation, Hose Powder supplies all the apparatus to execute stunts safely, efficiently and breathtakingly including wingsuits, rapid-deploy parachutes, bungee cords, body harnesses, cranes, jerk lifts, fall decelerators, suspension systems and high-speed winches. There are even plans in the works to deliver modified jetpacks and rocket belts–whose stunning advancement and development have seen major improvements over the decades.

All the “Spontaneous Aerodynamic Activity” You’ll ever Need

Anyone familiar with “Live-Action Billboards” knows there’s a lot of “Spontaneous Aerodynamic Activity” or “SAA” and there are plenty of stunt pilots to answer that aspect. Drones play an increasingly important part in delivering immediate impact, and a lot of the devices are used at night to bathe the various displays in high-profile light.

“OK, we’ve got all this stuff, all these toys,” Dirkie Tirk points out, “but that’s just hardware until you find the professionals to deploy it.” Dirkie Tirk has a military background that led him into stunts. He demands from his legion of men and women stunt people the highest commitment to safety, integrity and loyalty.

Defying the Common Order of Physics

“Partnering with Hyper-Citation is like a nonstop rollercoaster ride,” Mr. Tirk declares. “You never know what’s over the next rise until the vomit spews. Okay, I guess I didn’t have to say it like but you know what I’m driving at. I swear, some of the ideas those people come up with are both gut-wrenching and absolute screwball. We talk it over and give them the thumbs-up or thumbs-down. They know how much it hurts us to nix a project, but sometimes we have no choice. Most of the proposals we turn down simply defy the common order of physics.”

“Live-Action Billboards” are here to Stay

Expect to see more and more daring displays on the Interstates and freeways across America. “Live Action Billboards” are here to stay, and Hyper-Citation endeavors to make the discipline bigger and better than ever.

“Our ultimate goal is hundreds if not thousands of these displays from coast-to-coast,” Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Development for Hyper-Citation states.

Of course, let us not forget, the entire purpose of these gargantuan, magnificently orchestrated outdoor displays is attracting international sales. That is the goal with makes paying such a premium for these billboards cost-effective.

So the next time you look up in the sky and see a team of costumed people cavorting about and leaping from a billboard, just remember that you’re witnessing the very best that Hyper-Citation and Hose Powder have to offer.

Your Stinking Crybaby Attitude

In this scathing interoffice memo, Noreen goes off on members of the ensemble cast of actors, trapped in the cutaway row home atop the billboard at the Columbus Blvd. exit ramp high above South Philly. Jacob gets burned for eating cereal in his underwear, but can you blame him? He and five other professional pitch-persons have been trapped atop this vertical asylum for almost six months now . . . and are growing more hostile by the minute! Noreen next lays down the law: don’t dump your laundry into rush hour traffic. She lambasts them for a failed pizza deliver attempt the other night and wonders out loud whether Jacob has taken to wearing thongs.

TO: Philly Actors on 1-95 Billboard at Columbus Blvd. Exit Ramp

FROM: Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs

RE: Your Stinking Crybaby Attitude


You knew from the get-go this job was going to be no bowl of cherries. Or should I say bowl of Cheerios, Jacob? I know it’s been six months without a break but things are going to hell in a hand basket faster than I can process the infractions. Come on people, can we at least remain professional during waking hours?

Stop with the Underwear Already!

A few things have come to light that are really disturbing to our valued client, Bainbridge Furnishings Ltd. First and foremost, do not…I repeat, DO NOT persist in wearing your underwear in common areas that can be viewed by motorists–especially when you’re on the back porch taking out the trash.

Which leads me to my next point: no more flinging. We don’t fling things from 125 feet up and expect happy landings. That goes for the trash, and it especially goes for your laundry. I am so sick and tired of you wadding your sheets and whatever else into a tidy ball and then letting heave-ho into traffic. Do you know the problems you caused the other day? Whose thong got stuck to that poor man’s windshield wiper? And you’d better not tell me it was yours Jacob!

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob . . . answer me this. Why do men, while eating cereal in their briefs, feel the need to scratch their nether regions? Can you enlighten me on that? A little help, please, that’s all I’m asking for. In view of this I DEMAND YOU STOP EATING CEREAL IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AT THE KITCHEN TABLE─AND NO MORE SCRATCHING BENEATH THE WAISTBAND!

Am I clear on this?

Now . . . about that Stupid Pizza Stunt

Okay, so we all had a laugh the other night when one of you fools thought to order pizza from a helicopter. I know, I know . . . a drone’s not good enough for you clowns, right? Well, you went off script and got us some pub, but you also made us look like a bunch of rank amateurs. When the Crimpanfortis family negotiates a deal, they expect that deal to be signed, sealed and delivered, meaning that said pizza should have arrived at the front door piping hot and ready to consume instead of smashed into the side of the roof like a misguided pepperoni Frisbee. Do you know how bad that little stunt made us all look? And who was wondering how big a tip to leave?

Well I’ve got a tip for you: STICK TO THE SCRIPT! Do I have to repeat myself? STICK TO THE SCRIPT!

It’s the Eagles, Morons – Act Excited!

Now, I realize we’ve had problems getting a satellite hookup for the television. But you have to suck it up. When you gather around the TV, particularly during Eagles games, I want you to appear excited. You are ACTORS for heaven’s sake. Do you know what that means? It means that you can PRETEND to be watching television so convincingly that everyone passing by assumes that you’re having the time of your lives. Who cares that you’re staring at a blank screen? Just get with the program, okay!

I’m Ordering You, Keep It Together People!

I don’t know how much longer this campaign is going to last. It may go for two more years. May I reiterate a delicate subject I’ve touched on in the past? There will be no, and I repeat NO fraternizing between the sheets. If I get even so much of a whiff any of you jackasses are out of line, I’m going to personally pay a house call and pummel the offending parties. Do I make myself clear? Remember, those beds belong to the fine folks at Bainbridge Furnishings Ltd. You don’t even own the mattress pads!

Does this make it sound like you’re in prison? Let’s be clear on something: you’d have a lot more rights if indeed you WERE in prison!

Just remember one thing: at the end of the day, you’re international celebrities. Do you have what it takes to be champions? I dearly hope so.

Come on people, straighten up and fly right! Together we can make it!

House Atop the Exit Ramp

We are treated to a press release from the Chicago office of Noreen Crimpanfortis heralding the six-month anniversary of the roommates sharing the cutaway four-story row home on the billboard above the Columbus Blvd. exit on I-95 in south Philly. In this robust and praiseworthy press release, Noreen gushes over the exposure for their client, Bainbridge Furnishings, Ltd. (a bargain retailer); the six actors, three males and three females, have become fixtures of Philadelphia, a real part of the family, and everything is coming up roses for Bainbridge. What’s not to love about all this?

After Six Months of Hi-rise Hijinks – Bainbridge Furnishings Hits Milestone

Can’t Put a Price Tag on this Location

Hyper-Citation Inc., the outdoor agency with a flair for the dramatic, in conjunction with bargain retailer Bainbridge Furnishings Ltd., announces the six-month anniversary of their critically acclaimed “Live-Action Billboard” campaign entitled “House on the Exit Ramp.”  For the last half year, motorists along I-95 near downtown Philly have been treated to the antics of the energetic roommates high above the Columbus Blvd. exit.

“We are really pleased with the way this one is turning out,” declares Noreen Crimpanfortis, VP of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation. “This is the first of hopefully a whole lot more to come in markets big and small across America. We can’t begin to put a price tag on the visibility this location has garnered for our client. We just love the fact that Philadelphians have embraced the roommates as their own.” She is referring to the six roommates who populate the four-story row home built on stilts, whose cutaway lets motorists view members of the popular ensemble cast cavorting high above the roadway amid the Bainbridge furnishings. “This campaign has exceeded everyone’s expectations,” observes Ms. Crimpanfortis. “And to prove its effectiveness, Bainbridge has shown steady growth in quarter-over-quarter revenue since all the fun began.”

Cutaway Rowhomes – A Return to the Original

Hyper-Citation returned to one of its original designs in providing the cutaway of a house to showcase product. “You might consider cutaways passé but there’s nothing wrong with reverting to the tried and true every once in a while,” Ms. Crimpanfortis points out. “Even though it was one of our first methods of presentation, that does not mean the methodology will grow stale or hackneyed. Clearly, the actors are responsible for keeping the mood upbeat. We can’t tell you how pleased we are with the group of roommates assembled for this campaign. I’ve rarely worked with anyone as amiable, talented and anxious to grow the bottom line.”

Coming Soon: A Small City of Appliances

It’s high praise coming from this extraordinary executive who is constantly on the lookout to push the envelope, particularly when new sponsors and product categories are involved. “I don’t have to tell you, we’re slowly and deliberately expanding our inventory each month, always looking to make a statement. I can’t reveal too much of the details now, but there is talk about creating a small city of appliances, where the refrigerator rises to a height of 450 feet. And there will be all kinds of pyrotechnics associated with the gas burners on the stove.” That will obviously entail more stunt persons than we see in the Philadelphia display. “Definitely,” Ms. Crimpanfortis agrees. You’ll see bungee jumping into giant skillets and jetpacks exploding from the toaster. It is going to take your breath away, take it from me.” When pressed on the location and sponsor for this new venture, Ms. Crimpanfortis told us we’ll all just have to wait. “But not too long,” she adds. “We’re ready to make an indelible impression with this one, and nothing is going to hold us back.”

We can trust that Hyper-Citation will not disappoint. Innovativeness and bleeding edge showmanship are part of its DNA.

Communal High-Impact Living Leads to Happy Clients

For now, as we bid adieu to the Philly contingent, we commend Ms. Crimpanfortis for her distinctive take on communal living high above the expressway. Will she outdo herself next time out of the gate when she assembles another cast to inhabit the airspace towering over some city? We will keep you apprised as these exciting projects unfold.

“You need the right sponsor, the right message, and the right people to pull it off,” Ms. Crimpanfortis advises. “We find that our agency and its clients create the most productive campaigns when our bold vision is universally shared. That translates to brand appreciation and admiration all across the globe.”

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