Morris Crimpanfortis begins to doubt his prowess when it comes to pitching his sister Noreen on TV show concepts. He realizes that more pizazz is needed to stand out from the teeming masses. He comes to the strange and wrongheaded conclusion that walkup music will make a difference. Morris cautiously approaches Jonas Cider, whose band the “Sodbusters” plays nightly at the Grilled Canary, one of those raunchy clubs over in Chicken Wind, PA. They meet at the Five-Points Highway Diner for peach pie and sweet iced tea. Morris lets Jonas know he would never EVER set foot in a place like the Grilled Canary, and the negotiations go downhill from there . . .

TO: Jonas Cider, Bandleader

FROM: Morris Crimpanfortis – General Manager, WXX-TV

RE: Your Thoughts on Something

TRANSMITTED VIA FACSIMILE (with no guarantee of receipt)

Hey Jonas, this is me, your old pal Morris Crimpanfortis:

I just had a thought: some of my pitches don’t seem to be achieving the greatest impact with the higher-ups, and I’ve come to the realization it has to do with presentation. As such, I’m looking for a little more pizazz to make my pitches stand out in the crowd, something that will offer an added punch.

A Long Way from Chicken Wind, PA

Jonas, I know that your band the “Sodbusters” performs at the Grilled Canary over in Chicken Wind. Before I begin, let me make something abundantly clear: I don’t know the first thing about what goes on inside of that seamy establishment and i never have, nor never will, set foot in that unsavory “joint” (as some would call it). I’m not holding anything against you, but if you and your colleagues agree to write and perform music for me, I want it under a different moniker. In other words, I clean break from the Canary, is that understood?

May I offer a suggestion? Why not rename your group the “Spobusters?” It does not deviate that dramatically from the name you’re currently using. In fact, if you analyze it, it’s kind of a clever play on words. The term Sodbusters, of course, refers to farmers who plow the land and turn the soil. I understand why your bandmates wear ripped and faded apparel that caters to the American agriculture base. I just can’t see your typical farmer with that many tattoos. Can I ask that you dress a little more formal when it comes time to performing my music? And I don’t want to see any leather vests exposing bare, flaccid guts hanging over bulging belt buckles. I don’t want to see beards shaved like checkerboards, nor do I want braided nose hairs, or turkey bones through nostrils, or pierced eyelids and definitely no tattoos showing portraits of disgraced politicians.

Back to the name “Spotbusters.” See, we’re in the communications biz, and we call commercials “spots.” So you have a little media thing going on, an inside reference (I think that those in the know call it “inside baseball”), and then you have me, looking for my first show concept to hit paydirt. See, once I become a known commodity, I’ll be on Easy Street from here on out. It’s just getting past my sister, who is the gatekeeper of the programming vault. Family members seem to be my toughest critics. But I’m willing to give this music a shot to see if it loosens things up.

A Little Less Volume – Please?

Now, about your music. I heard you at a community fair last summer – NOT INSIDE THAT ESTABLISHMENT, THE GRILLED CANARY! Believe me, you were loud. You were so loud, I couldn’t concentrate on the game I was playing. I think I was throwing baseballs at stacked milk bottles, trying to topple them. I missed every time, and the people behind the counter and those waiting in line jeered at me mercilessly and made fun of me and mocked me. The booing would have been worse if not for your excessive volume. So I thank the Sodbusters for minimizing the catcalls that were directed at me.

Also, the musicians will perform as the house band on the set of my new game show, Place Commercial Here. Whenever contestants appear stumped and fumble for answers, the house band will perform what I call “Kidding around Music.” I don’t exactly know how to describe it. But I am confident that you, Jonas will know precisely what I’m talking about. Of course, if the contestant comes up with the correct answer in record time, the band plays “Look at Me” music, and if the contestant loses it all, the house band will play “The Get It Next Time Blues.” I think you may want to enlist the services of a tuba player for that.

Lose the Lawyers

I strongly recommend that you DO NOT hire an entertainment lawyer to negotiate your contracts relative to my offer. I do not know what your agreement is for performing at the Grilled Canary. Did I explain that I know NOTHING about what goes on inside of that highly questionable establishment?”

Well, the ball is in your court Jonas. Ask me, this is a great way to literally clean up your act and jump into the legit side of the entertainment biz.

Let me know OK?