Sodbusters Go Hog Wild in Chicken Wind, PA
Morris Crimpanfortis begins to doubt his prowess when it comes to pitching his sister Noreen on TV show concepts. He realizes that more pizazz is needed to stand out from the teeming masses. He comes to the strange and wrongheaded conclusion that walkup music will make a difference. Morris cautiously approaches Jonas Cider, whose band the “Sodbusters” plays nightly at the Grilled Canary, one of those raunchy clubs over in Chicken Wind, PA. They meet at the Five-Points Highway Diner for peach...
Pitch #6 – “Place Commercial Here”
Morris dumps his sister’s memo atop the littered floor of the will call office of the Graphite County Opera House. Morris is steamed. Who does Noreen think she is, questioning if he receives and reads faxes? What kind of a backwater manager does she think he is? He’s further hacked off because he’s on the verge of pitching one of the most important shows ever to his sister. It involves repurposing commercials and the concept is destined to raise audience levels and revenue projections to an...
The Ornate Plumbing of Silt Ridge’s Gilded Past
Morris Crimpanfortis is down on his pinstriped knees, the sleeves of his heavily starched white shirt rolled up, as he performs his periodic chores around the Graphite County Opera House. Today, he’s scrubbing ornate fixtures in the grandiose men’s room off the main lobby. There are additional elegantly apportioned men’s rooms in the opera house on various levels. In fact, there are a lot of fancy men’s room throughout the municipality of Silt Ridge, reflecting the great wealth of its...
When All Else Fails, Let the After-party Roll!
Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation, Inc. faxes a special memo to her wayward brother, Morris Bartlett Crimpanfortis, V, as he languishes in coal country. Noreen previously copied him on the all-network memo, commanding every decision-maker in stations across the country to stay clear of anyone who hints of a Kalabrashion connection. Noreen makes mention of the fact that the after-party for the Silt Ridge Midnight News, when put up on the satellite, has...
Grass-slaying Hyenas Get No On-air Love
Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation, Inc., orders this dictate for the higher-ups at the various TV stations across the country owned by her father, the legendary Morris Crimpanfortis, IV: under no circumstances are they to give any airtime, or mention any names of the salivating hyenas who want to take their empire down. In a scathing all-company memo, Ms. Crimpanfortis warns stations along the line to turn a cold shoulder on any requests for commercial...
Cheesy Supercharged Lawn Parties
We are given a queasy glimpse into the despicable motives of the Kalabrashion crowd as they prepare to invade the depressing town of Silt Ridge. Toby Klabenschattz, local beat writer for the Times Herald Chronicle, outlines the band of jackals’ desperate game plan. They will smile in your face while pretending to be respectable landscapers. Then, the minute your back is turned, the hooliganism explodes into “Full-Jackal Frenzy.” Instead of showing up before your garden party, they show up...
Did You Catch the Grass Stains on those Fangs?
Salty McStarryffar, the acerbic beat writer for the “Millennium Mercury,” goes on a rant about what she considers the “cheesy outdoor displays” staged by the Crimpanfortis crowd. She assaults the Crimpanfortis contingent for lacking “real-world sensibilities,” decrying the fact that they miss the point of real life because they are not in touch with the grit that makes up the lives of real, ordinary people. She then lauds the Kalabrashion crew on their ability to mow a lawn in record time,...
Pitch #5 – “Stressing Your Integrity”
It’s a sunny day in coal country. Morris is on his way to Blasting Cap to purchase toilet paper, dishwashing liquid, powdered free-range coffee creamer and all the essentials for the station. He has a small amount of petty cash, and a list from Verona Kendermants. While he’s driving on the rutted road, he sees the monumental skyline of The Very B.I.G. Allentown in the distance. Someday, Morris will drive there and visit this sprawling city that is larger than Little Manhattan, LA-LA-Burb and...
One Amateur Grass Blade Chokes – And Kablooey
A whole slew of office bickering takes place right behind Morris’ back. He thinks he’s trying to vamoose coal country by staking his claim in the rich content fields of Burbank. He fails to realize that bigger forces are working to determine his future. And that does not bode well for the struggling show producer. He has no concept of the danger that awaits if he gets reassigned to another division. Blithely, he continues pitching shows to his sister. But we see in an urgent message from...
Pitch #4: “Bowling for Stock Options”
Morris Crimpanfortis is oblivious to the fact that his own family wants to put him in harm’s way atop an elaborate billboard high above the New Jersey Turnpike. He continues pitching his sister Noreen on TV shows. His current pitch is entitled “Bowling for Stock Options,” and he’s certain this is the one that will catapult him from coal country back into the limelight of Burbank. Morris tries pitching Noreen while she rides in back of the limo to a breakfast meeting with an investment banker...