Salty McStarryffar, the acerbic beat writer for the “Millennium Mercury,” goes on a rant about what she considers the “cheesy outdoor displays” staged by the Crimpanfortis crowd. She assaults the Crimpanfortis contingent for lacking “real-world sensibilities,” decrying the fact that they miss the point of real life because they are not in touch with the grit that makes up the lives of real, ordinary people. She then lauds the Kalabrashion crew on their ability to mow a lawn in record time, with maximum efficiency. Ms. McStarryffar conveniently downplays the fact that the Kalabrashions show up like a hungry pack of wolves to mow your lawn in the middle of a garden party or outdoor wedding – at a time most inconvenient to your schedule. Ms. McStarryffar tries to lay out a compelling argument that the equipment used by the Kalabrashion scoundrels is a “cut above” (no pun intended, and you can take it up with Ms. McStarryffar if you feel overly offended); but even the stunning equipment gets old after your property has been ground into an unsightly, barren wasteland . . .

You’ll Never See Another Lawn Party Quite Like This!

Forget those Corny Grass Blades on Bungee Cords

A lot of trash has been talked about the cutesy displays that the Crimpanfortis family stages across America. Well I’m here to tell you, those billboards are nothing but a joke! And the odds are stacked against the noble Kalabrashion contingent, because old man Crimpanfortis has a stranglehold on the lobbyists in DC.

There! I said it! Is everyone happy now? I feel like some kinda lone wolf out here howling in the gale-force annals of time. But you know the score, I can only hold back for so long. Take for instance that dumb display the Crimpanfortis jerks are staging on the Jersey Turnpike. You know the one I’m talking about. Gimme a break, it’s the one up by the Alexander Hamilton service plaza! Pay attention, people! PLEASE!

I can’t comprehend it. They’re all gaga over their corny grass blades on bungee cords. Let me say that once again to let it sink in: “CORNY GRASS BLADES ON BUNGEE CORDS.” Do you know how stupid that sounds? Only a fool would fall for that tripe. And I know there are millions of fools out there who make it a point to go out of their way to experience one of those displays. I have just one piece of advice for all of you yokels: GET A LIFE!

More Erratic than a Bucking Bronc with Hemorrhoids

Now let’s talk about the real world – the world inhabited by the Kalabrashions. You want to talk about lawn mowing? The Crimpanfortis crowd can have their undulating sod bridge above the Jersey Turnpike all they want. Have you ever heard of something so stupid in all your life? Who is going to mow their lawn on a sod bridge that jerks up and down and squirms around with more intensity than a bucking bronc with hemorrhoids?

But the Kalabrashions have the answer: they attack the real-world sensibilities with real-world solutions. Their lawn mowers do not perform “tricks” 250 feet above a busy roadway. Not on your life. The Kalabrashion lawn mowers do exactly what they’re made to do: mow lawns with a flourish! With a FEROCIOUS FLOURISH, might I add?

You Got a Problem with Spilled Motor Oil on Your Front Lawn?

If I may be allowed to bend your ear, watching a well-oiled Kalabrashion crew is like witnessing art in action. They show up to mow a lawn and they mean business. It doesn’t matter what kind of event you’re staging: a lawn party, outdoor wedding, lawn bowling or your garden-variety sporting event – when the Kalabrashions arrive, things get done.

What’s that? Did I not explain myself properly? Well you’d better listen up and start paying attention then! You might think I meant that the Kalabrashions show up to spiff up your property BEFORE the event . . . wrong! They arrive DURING the event, with fire-breathing blade-grinding machines capable of tackling the toughest foliage and tallest weeds, before turning their focus squarely on the GUESTS!

Shut your pie holes and gather around. It gets even MORE RIVETING. Every last bit of it is recorded on video – all the shock, awe and outrage – and it’s then fed across digital billboards so that all of the passing motorists can see the stunned reactions.

Pomp and Circumstance Plus Pure Chaos

Dig this, you gummy batch of hamstrung yokels: we’re not talking about any lawn mowers . . . we’re talking about the storied line of “Critter Cutters.” These works of art feature the heads of wolves, tigers and badgers. I don’t need to tell you how sharp the blades are – and where they are located. Unlike normal lawn mowers, the “Critter Cutters” brandish exposed blades – you guessed it . . . just like grass-stained FANGS. And wait ‘til you see the looks on some of these people when the Kalabrashion crew slashes valiantly through their precious event – BLAMO-WHAMMY! It’s a priceless co-mingling of pomp and circumstance and PURE CHAOS!

I could go on and on about the reactions of stupid fools who get nearly run over by the chop-chop-chop of the beautifully chopping blades. Just check out the video catalog, or better yet, take a gander at a billboard down the block. You might just see your neighbor bust a move trying to get out of the way of a snarling Bengal tiger. I have to tell you, that that alone is worth the price of admission.

So get with the game plan, people. Realize that the Crimpanfortis crowd is a bunch of gilt-edge losers. If you want to ride with the winner, you gotta hop aboard the Kalabrashion Express.