Lawn Mowing at the Speed of Mulch

Things are heating up on the advertising front for Hyper-Citation, Inc. Noreen Crimpanfortis authorizes a press release announcing a spectacular new outdoor advertising display for Kentucky Power Glide, manufacturers of state-of-the-art lawn mowers for over three centuries. Morris remains aloof, and tries not to appear overly impressed with all the hoopla. Unbeknownst to him, he is being considered for a position with the stunt team on the massive grass suspension bridge spanning the New Jersey Turnpike near the Alexander Hamilton service plaza. But that’s the last thing on the young TV executive’s mind. It’s all about pitching shows to get him back to Burbank. Will Morris succeed in his attempt to come up with a series of shows worthy of network placement? Or will he buckle under the pressure and wind up working atop the dangerous Kentucky Power Glide display? And will it be his blundering incompetence that ultimately causes a 15-mile backup in either direction on the Jersey Turnpike? 

Kentucky Power Glide vs. the Undulating Lawn

Kentucky Power Glide vs. the Undulating Lawn

Hyper-Citation Media, Inc. announces its latest daring and dynamic outdoor advertising extravaganza campaign in conjunction with its international lawn care client, Kentucky Power Glide Inc.

Hyper-Citation, the definitive voice in creation of “Live-Action Billboards,” has just developed a new way of engaging motorists on both sides of the roadway. Utilizing the cutting edge “Undulating Rotational Effect,” or URE, the spectacular display operates on a gyroscopic principle. Two massive monopoles on either side of the turnpike, each rising to a height of 250 feet, support a flexible framework holding more than FIVE ACRES of lush Bermuda sod airlifted from a noted turf farm in the Pee Dee region of South Carolina.

Nothing Short of an “Engineering Masterpiece”

“We are very excited to bring this thrilling package to the American public,” states Noreen Crimpanfortis, VP-Business Affairs for the world-renowned media conglomerate. “I am ecstatic to announce that it’s an engineering masterpiece befitting the technical wizardry and innovative hallmark of a world-class Crimpanfortis visual display extraordinaire.”

The display is characterized by the sheer enormity of its dimensions. Comprising just shy of a jaw-dropping 250,000 square feet (23,225.76 square meters), the entire bridge-like configuration is set on a swivel that utilizes a series of gears and pulleys typically found in drawbridge technology. While digital billboards on either side of the roadway pulsate with the words “Kentucky Power Glide,” the superstructure arching above the turnpike starts bending and dipping at precarious angles. “Picture a suspension bridge in a hurricane right before the cables snap,” Ms. Crimpanfortis coos. “That’s the effect we’re trying to achieve with our rolling landmark high above the Jersey Turnpike.”

All about the “Pitching Bridge of Sod”

Day and night, a lone person operates a riding lawn mower on the pitching bridge of sod high above the heavily travelled toll road. The sheer danger inherent in this stunt cannot be overstated. The rider is required to get as close to the edge as possible. With the sod slanting at an obtuse angle–and bucking and twisting on top of it–there’s no margin for error. The lack of guardrails and a safety net further compound the prospects of a 250-foot drop into rush hour traffic.

If you know anything about Hyper-Citation Media, you know that crowd is never content with just “big.” There always has to be another element in the mix. This display is no different. In addition to the vastness of the undulating platform, plans call for nearly one thousand stunt people–dressed as dandelions and wearing jetpacks–to vault and tumble from the sky, whizzing past mesmerized motorists. A veritable host of humans dressed as grass blades will fly down on spangled bungee cords. They will regroup in the parking lot of the Alexander Hamilton service plaza before climbing back up and doing it all over again.

“Let us never lose sight of this one overriding fact,” Noreen Crimpanfortis gushes. “Kentucky Power Glide makes the finest product line of residential and commercial lawn care equipment in the world, and we’re proving right before your eyes that you can operate their units under the most strenuous and demanding of conditions.”

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Cue the Gator

Noreen Crimpanfortis delivers a press release that shows the ingenuity and creativity of the Crimpanfortis advertising group. It’s no secret they will go to any length to best the competition. The Lader HVAC group is the newest company to employ the patented “Crimpanfortis Touch” to bring great notoriety to its brand. Why the gator you may ask? Well, the name “Lader” over the years came to be associated with the old saying “Later Gator.” So, when they approached the Crimpanfortis family, they were deadest on working in an alligator. And they got one: a real one. No chintzy animatronic geegaws on this world-class display. He (or she) will be sliding down a Plexiglas waterslide on the fifteens, landing right along the Interstate. Who will carry it back up? Morey V?

Soon to be Basking at Room Temperature Somewhere Over Ohio

What do alligators and air conditioners have in common? The Outdoor Division of Hyper-Citation Media, Inc. is bringing more sizzle to the staid and–dare we say–boring world of traditional HVAC than we’re witnessed in quite some time–if ever.

But Why an Alligator?

Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper Citation, is reaching into her bag of tricks to bring a sense of danger to this new “Live-Action” signage. “I suppose the first question everyone asks is why an alligator? Isn’t that kind of a stretch? Has Hyper Citation gone so far over-the-top that they’ve more interested in the sensational than with getting their clients’ messages out?” Ms. Crimpanfortis is the first to dispel any of these criticisms. “Let’s get something straight. The Outdoor Division is on a roll right now. We’ve gone from basically a standing stop to being the most talked about form of advertising in the world. Seriously. So if you’re talking about going over-the-top, you have to ask yourself the question: ‘over-the-top’ of what? Don’t forget, we have Paymor Kalabrashion as our stiffest competition. We can’t ever take that crowd for granted. We’ve got to keep moving, keep being innovative and resourceful. And this alligator campaign is a fine example of doing just that.”

No Grandstand Ploy . . . Really?

Ms. Crimpanfortis explains that bringing the reptile up from Florida to Ohio wasn’t just a grandstand ploy. The name of the client is “Lader Climate Control” hence the “Lader Gator” wordplay. The client uses the alligator theme on all its branding. The point being that they are “dangerously genuine” when it comes to providing you and your family the finest in all your HVAC needs. “And don’t forget businesses,” Ms. Crimpanfortis adds. “They’re heavily into commercial.” Ms. Crimpanfortis reminds us of a conventional billboard done years ago that showed an alligator going to work carrying an attaché case that was–yikes–made of alligator hide! “That one got the special group PEOPLE yapping at us,” Ms. Crimpanfortis quips. “But don’t worry. We handled it. We always do. We know all the lobby guys.”

“Handling it” is something Hyper-Citation does best, as in handling all of its clients’ creative needs while putting them squarely on the world stage. “They’ve got to be talking about this stuff in Eugene, Katmandu, Oslo and Tokyo,” Ms. Crimpanfortis states. “Otherwise it’s a bust.”

Whether It Slides Headfirst or Tail-first is Open for Debate

In Ohio, the theme of the “Live-Action Billboard” is “Come out of the muck into the Lader world of comfort.” Every quarter hour the alligator will leave the elevated living room and slide down a chute to the swamp. “The star gator will glide down a 200-foot-tall Plexiglas waterslide straight into the swampy dive pool along the shoulder of the Interstate.”

The project is expected to come together in the next few weeks somewhere along 1-70 on the eastern approach to Dayton. All that remains is transporting the reptile from Florida to Ohio. “Right. That’s just another day at the office,” Ms. Crimpanfortis assures us.

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Taking the Plunge in Tucson

Noreen Crimpanfortis puts out a press release gushing about the newest Crimpanfortis outdoor marvel – an Interstate lagoon for cliff divers. Right about where I-19 meets the southbound Irvington exit ramp, the folks from Million Mile Airways are planning a spectacle that will make even seasoned motorists blanch. Divers will vault from the catwalk of the billboard from 250 up. “Don’t try this at home,” Ms. Crimpanfortis laughingly warns. Motorists get a splash of the action from the shoulder-hugging waterfall and lagoon. “Who knows?” Ms. Crimpanfortis chortles, “Maybe in a traffic jam you’ll score a free carwash.”

Cliff Divers Above Tucson Provide Dripping, Immersive Ads

The Outdoor Division of Hyper-Citation Media, Inc. is at it again. On the heels of its launch for The Verdict, the outdoor agency with the flair for the dramatic is entering into a joint partnership with Million Mile Travel, Inc.  “This promises to be a really engaging exhibition, says Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation. “I used to really enjoy watching cliff diving on television as a kid. Now imagine the gut-wrenching drama happening right outside your car, truck or SUV.”

Diving Pools Right along the Shoulder

Million Miles Travel proves that fun and games can win out on an international front when it comes to attracting a foreign clientele. “By digging the pools right up to the shoulders, motorists are going to be right in the middle of all the action.”

Million Miles Travel, of course, is known for its controversial promotion the “Lucky Miles Seat.” During each flight, so long as there is no turbulence and the fasten seatbelt sign is off, passengers can check beneath their seat cushion to see if they are the recipients of the “Lucky Miles” promotional package. Prizes include sweats, tees and domestic bourbon at the duty-free shop of any participating airport. Winners can redeem tickets for prizes and merchandise up to one year after receipt of coupon providing they are in a participating airport. Please check the airline’s website for our sponsor partners at a participating airport near you.

To celebrate Millions Miles’ inaugural service to the Hawaiian Islands, the carrier is partnering with Hyper-Citation Media to bring the color, pageantry and danger of cliff-diving to a freeway or Interstate near you. The promotion kicks off in Tucson on I-19 at the southbound Irvington off-ramp. The platform is thirty meters, off the ground.. “You realize these men and women are spectacularly seasoned athletes, highly trained in this discipline,” Ms. Crimpanfortis cautions. “Don’t, and I repeat…don’t try this at home.”

Leprechauns in Wingsuits

Million Miles Travel hopes to open up service to other popular destinations in the coming months. To unveil routes to Ireland, rumors already have it that they are planning a “Live-Action Billboard” promotion with Hyper-Citation providing a cadre of leprechauns in wingsuits.

Finding Billboard Divers Ain’t Cheap

Hyper-Citation will subcontract upwards of fifty certified cliff divers to supply the action. The sprawling pool at the side of the freeway will feature rock formations and waterfalls.  “We obviously can’t get away with this in a place like Minneapolis-St. Paul,” Ms. Crimpanfortis laughs. “We’d be shut down six months out of the year. I guess we’ll have to wait for Million Miles to offer a travel package on ice fishing. But don’t hold your breath on that.”

We’re trusting that motorists will be holding their collective breath as these bodies fly off the catwalk and splash water across the pavement.

“Who knows, if there’s a traffic jam, you might get a free carwash in the deal,” Ms. Crimpanfortis gushes.

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Kansas City Crotch Kick

Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs, proudly announces the launch of a new display above Kansas City for “The Verdict,” a home alarm system that really packs a wallop. The ranch-style house is positioned on a platform 210 feet above the onramp where I-70 meets the 435. The actors, all clad like cat burglars, dangle from a hovering helicopter and are thwarted each time they try to break in. Be especially cautious of the patented bricks that explode into groins when a break-in is detected. The shenanigans are shown on widescreens lining the Interstate as the bad guys repeatedly get caught with their pants down.

Memo to Crooks: You’re Gonna Hate these Bricks

The Outdoor Division of Hyper-Citation, Inc. appears to be hitting its stride when it comes to billboard advertising. Having invented and pioneered the innovative form of advertising, the agency seemed content to let the concept percolate while the company invested its time and resources in the broadcast end of its media empire. Now, the throttle has been fully let out, and the company is acquiring more locations and clients.

The “Judge, Jury and Executioner” of Home Invasions

Latest example of this land rush is the joint production between The Verdict Home Security Systems and Hyper-Citation featuring a houseful of sass. The Verdict, as you might recall, is commonly called the “judge, jury and executioner” of the lucrative home security industry. “The Verdict is really the all-in-one solution to home break-ins,” says Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation, Inc. “Depending on how the bad guys roll, they’re either going to be hypnotized by patented window music or half the house is going to fall on them. “Either way, their no-good, dirty-rotten dastardly deeds are effectively going to be silenced for good.”

Ticklish PR Hurdles

The Verdict has had some ticklish PR hurdles to overcome right out of the blocks. The product was released to market with some of the bugs still in it. When set on “ultra-sensitive” homeowners found they set off the alarms when they coughed or passed gas in what the attorneys called a “jarring and aggressive” way. Those initial kinks have since been ironed out. “Look,” said Ms. Crimpanfortis, “we’re not going to climb into bed with just any hack off the street. Over the years, the Verdict has presented a tried and true product that has revolutionized the high end of the home security product category.”

Hyper-Citation is taking a big leap in showcasing The Verdict in all its glory on the approach to I-74 outside Indianapolis. “We are departing from our cutaways to place a fully erected ranch home on the top of a monopole.” Ms. Crimpanfortis explains. The location will have around-the-clock activity with plenty of attempted break-ins. Stunt people suspended by wire will try breaking into the house every way possible. “It’s not just limited to people being flown at the corners, the outside of the house is going to be literally crawling with would-be intruders; they’re going to thicker than cockroaches.”

“Crotch-thumping Bricks” – Yes, We Have the Patent

Whenever a break-in is thwarted, there will be a loud discharge and an explosion of fireworks. Stunt people will be suitably protected from everything the house can throw at them, including hypnotic window music and blowtorches from the tops of downspouts. There will be plenty of sound effects to accompany the visuals, including the screams of would-be invaders as they succumb to the ravages of the patented “Slicing Shingles” and “Crotch-Thumping Bricks.”

All about the Show

“It promises to be a good show,” Ms. Crimpanfortis proudly states. “But at the end of the day, it’s all about international sales. We want to present The Verdict to the world as a no-nonsense deterrent to home invasion. We also want to send a message to the perps: you never know what’s embedded in the fabric of one of these homes. So if you think you got what it takes to deal with this punishment, go ahead and bring it.”

One thing that no one can dispute is the fact that Hyper-Citation, as usual, has “brought it.”

And a whole lot more.

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House Atop the Exit Ramp

We are treated to a press release from the Chicago office of Noreen Crimpanfortis heralding the six-month anniversary of the roommates sharing the cutaway four-story row home on the billboard above the Columbus Blvd. exit on I-95 in south Philly. In this robust and praiseworthy press release, Noreen gushes over the exposure for their client, Bainbridge Furnishings, Ltd. (a bargain retailer); the six actors, three males and three females, have become fixtures of Philadelphia, a real part of the family, and everything is coming up roses for Bainbridge. What’s not to love about all this?

After Six Months of Hi-rise Hijinks – Bainbridge Furnishings Hits Milestone

Can’t Put a Price Tag on this Location

Hyper-Citation Inc., the outdoor agency with a flair for the dramatic, in conjunction with bargain retailer Bainbridge Furnishings Ltd., announces the six-month anniversary of their critically acclaimed “Live-Action Billboard” campaign entitled “House on the Exit Ramp.”  For the last half year, motorists along I-95 near downtown Philly have been treated to the antics of the energetic roommates high above the Columbus Blvd. exit.

“We are really pleased with the way this one is turning out,” declares Noreen Crimpanfortis, VP of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation. “This is the first of hopefully a whole lot more to come in markets big and small across America. We can’t begin to put a price tag on the visibility this location has garnered for our client. We just love the fact that Philadelphians have embraced the roommates as their own.” She is referring to the six roommates who populate the four-story row home built on stilts, whose cutaway lets motorists view members of the popular ensemble cast cavorting high above the roadway amid the Bainbridge furnishings. “This campaign has exceeded everyone’s expectations,” observes Ms. Crimpanfortis. “And to prove its effectiveness, Bainbridge has shown steady growth in quarter-over-quarter revenue since all the fun began.”

Cutaway Rowhomes – A Return to the Original

Hyper-Citation returned to one of its original designs in providing the cutaway of a house to showcase product. “You might consider cutaways passé but there’s nothing wrong with reverting to the tried and true every once in a while,” Ms. Crimpanfortis points out. “Even though it was one of our first methods of presentation, that does not mean the methodology will grow stale or hackneyed. Clearly, the actors are responsible for keeping the mood upbeat. We can’t tell you how pleased we are with the group of roommates assembled for this campaign. I’ve rarely worked with anyone as amiable, talented and anxious to grow the bottom line.”

Coming Soon: A Small City of Appliances

It’s high praise coming from this extraordinary executive who is constantly on the lookout to push the envelope, particularly when new sponsors and product categories are involved. “I don’t have to tell you, we’re slowly and deliberately expanding our inventory each month, always looking to make a statement. I can’t reveal too much of the details now, but there is talk about creating a small city of appliances, where the refrigerator rises to a height of 450 feet. And there will be all kinds of pyrotechnics associated with the gas burners on the stove.” That will obviously entail more stunt persons than we see in the Philadelphia display. “Definitely,” Ms. Crimpanfortis agrees. You’ll see bungee jumping into giant skillets and jetpacks exploding from the toaster. It is going to take your breath away, take it from me.” When pressed on the location and sponsor for this new venture, Ms. Crimpanfortis told us we’ll all just have to wait. “But not too long,” she adds. “We’re ready to make an indelible impression with this one, and nothing is going to hold us back.”

We can trust that Hyper-Citation will not disappoint. Innovativeness and bleeding edge showmanship are part of its DNA.

Communal High-Impact Living Leads to Happy Clients

For now, as we bid adieu to the Philly contingent, we commend Ms. Crimpanfortis for her distinctive take on communal living high above the expressway. Will she outdo herself next time out of the gate when she assembles another cast to inhabit the airspace towering over some city? We will keep you apprised as these exciting projects unfold.

“You need the right sponsor, the right message, and the right people to pull it off,” Ms. Crimpanfortis advises. “We find that our agency and its clients create the most productive campaigns when our bold vision is universally shared. That translates to brand appreciation and admiration all across the globe.”

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