Did You Catch the Grass Stains on those Fangs?

Salty McStarryffar, the acerbic beat writer for the “Millennium Mercury,” goes on a rant about what she considers the “cheesy outdoor displays” staged by the Crimpanfortis crowd. She assaults the Crimpanfortis contingent for lacking “real-world sensibilities,” decrying the fact that they miss the point of real life because they are not in touch with the grit that makes up the lives of real, ordinary people. She then lauds the Kalabrashion crew on their ability to mow a lawn in record time, with maximum efficiency. Ms. McStarryffar conveniently downplays the fact that the Kalabrashions show up like a hungry pack of wolves to mow your lawn in the middle of a garden party or outdoor wedding – at a time most inconvenient to your schedule. Ms. McStarryffar tries to lay out a compelling argument that the equipment used by the Kalabrashion scoundrels is a “cut above” (no pun intended, and you can take it up with Ms. McStarryffar if you feel overly offended); but even the stunning equipment gets old after your property has been ground into an unsightly, barren wasteland . . .

You’ll Never See Another Lawn Party Quite Like This!

Forget those Corny Grass Blades on Bungee Cords

A lot of trash has been talked about the cutesy displays that the Crimpanfortis family stages across America. Well I’m here to tell you, those billboards are nothing but a joke! And the odds are stacked against the noble Kalabrashion contingent, because old man Crimpanfortis has a stranglehold on the lobbyists in DC.

There! I said it! Is everyone happy now? I feel like some kinda lone wolf out here howling in the gale-force annals of time. But you know the score, I can only hold back for so long. Take for instance that dumb display the Crimpanfortis jerks are staging on the Jersey Turnpike. You know the one I’m talking about. Gimme a break, it’s the one up by the Alexander Hamilton service plaza! Pay attention, people! PLEASE!

I can’t comprehend it. They’re all gaga over their corny grass blades on bungee cords. Let me say that once again to let it sink in: “CORNY GRASS BLADES ON BUNGEE CORDS.” Do you know how stupid that sounds? Only a fool would fall for that tripe. And I know there are millions of fools out there who make it a point to go out of their way to experience one of those displays. I have just one piece of advice for all of you yokels: GET A LIFE!

More Erratic than a Bucking Bronc with Hemorrhoids

Now let’s talk about the real world – the world inhabited by the Kalabrashions. You want to talk about lawn mowing? The Crimpanfortis crowd can have their undulating sod bridge above the Jersey Turnpike all they want. Have you ever heard of something so stupid in all your life? Who is going to mow their lawn on a sod bridge that jerks up and down and squirms around with more intensity than a bucking bronc with hemorrhoids?

But the Kalabrashions have the answer: they attack the real-world sensibilities with real-world solutions. Their lawn mowers do not perform “tricks” 250 feet above a busy roadway. Not on your life. The Kalabrashion lawn mowers do exactly what they’re made to do: mow lawns with a flourish! With a FEROCIOUS FLOURISH, might I add?

You Got a Problem with Spilled Motor Oil on Your Front Lawn?

If I may be allowed to bend your ear, watching a well-oiled Kalabrashion crew is like witnessing art in action. They show up to mow a lawn and they mean business. It doesn’t matter what kind of event you’re staging: a lawn party, outdoor wedding, lawn bowling or your garden-variety sporting event – when the Kalabrashions arrive, things get done.

What’s that? Did I not explain myself properly? Well you’d better listen up and start paying attention then! You might think I meant that the Kalabrashions show up to spiff up your property BEFORE the event . . . wrong! They arrive DURING the event, with fire-breathing blade-grinding machines capable of tackling the toughest foliage and tallest weeds, before turning their focus squarely on the GUESTS!

Shut your pie holes and gather around. It gets even MORE RIVETING. Every last bit of it is recorded on video – all the shock, awe and outrage – and it’s then fed across digital billboards so that all of the passing motorists can see the stunned reactions.

Pomp and Circumstance Plus Pure Chaos

Dig this, you gummy batch of hamstrung yokels: we’re not talking about any lawn mowers . . . we’re talking about the storied line of “Critter Cutters.” These works of art feature the heads of wolves, tigers and badgers. I don’t need to tell you how sharp the blades are – and where they are located. Unlike normal lawn mowers, the “Critter Cutters” brandish exposed blades – you guessed it . . . just like grass-stained FANGS. And wait ‘til you see the looks on some of these people when the Kalabrashion crew slashes valiantly through their precious event – BLAMO-WHAMMY! It’s a priceless co-mingling of pomp and circumstance and PURE CHAOS!

I could go on and on about the reactions of stupid fools who get nearly run over by the chop-chop-chop of the beautifully chopping blades. Just check out the video catalog, or better yet, take a gander at a billboard down the block. You might just see your neighbor bust a move trying to get out of the way of a snarling Bengal tiger. I have to tell you, that that alone is worth the price of admission.

So get with the game plan, people. Realize that the Crimpanfortis crowd is a bunch of gilt-edge losers. If you want to ride with the winner, you gotta hop aboard the Kalabrashion Express.

Pitch #5 – “Stressing Your Integrity”

It’s a sunny day in coal country. Morris is on his way to Blasting Cap to purchase toilet paper, dishwashing liquid, powdered free-range coffee creamer and all the essentials for the station. He has a small amount of petty cash, and a list from Verona Kendermants. While he’s driving on the rutted road, he sees the monumental skyline of The Very B.I.G. Allentown in the distance. Someday, Morris will drive there and visit this sprawling city that is larger than Little Manhattan, LA-LA-Burb and Chicago COMBINED! Morris reaches for his flip phone. It’s time for another pitch. He is nervous, filled with trepidation. This is a nuanced pitch, and he hopes he catches his sister Noreen at the right moment, when she’s able to concentrate. Otherwise, this is going to be one more worthy pitch completely discarded and thrown into the trash receptacle of failure . . .

Pitch #5: “Stressing Your Integrity”

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One Amateur Grass Blade Chokes – And Kablooey

A whole slew of office bickering takes place right behind Morris’ back. He thinks he’s trying to vamoose coal country by staking his claim in the rich content fields of Burbank. He fails to realize that bigger forces are working to determine his future. And that does not bode well for the struggling show producer. He has no concept of the danger that awaits if he gets reassigned to another division. Blithely, he continues pitching shows to his sister. But we see in an urgent message from Dirkie Tirk to Noreen, everything is on the table as far as Morris’ future. And that future entails a high degree of risk. Dirkie can ill-afford to have an amateur like Morris gum up the works. He pleads with Noreen to talk sense into her empire-building father. Will Noreen be successful? Or will Morris be sent packing to a place he has no business being to assume the persona of a death-defying grass blade?

Typical Hair-on-Fire Missive

Oh Boy Noreen,

Boris Fornhenge from the design crew has just taken a bite out of my hide explaining what your Father, the esteemed Morris Crimpanfortis IV, has planned for young Morris on the Jersey Turnpike. It does not sound good, it does not sound feasible, and in my estimation you need to do something to stop it down immediately!

Here’s the essence sweetheart. You don’t mind if I call you that, right? We’ve been family friends for more generations than I’m inclined to count. I care a great deal about your family, and that’s why I care about what happens to young Morris. But to a greater extent, I care about what happens to my crack professionals at Hose Powder, Inc. I have a reputation to uphold, you know . . . but more on that later.

Update on the Alexander Hamilton Service Plaza

You are surely up to speed on what is being planned for the Alexander Hamilton service plaza extravaganza. We’re going to have a little bit of everything in this nonstop, 24-hour show – a dash of this, a dollop of that. You know how these things work. Of course, the focus of the show is the fine stable of products from the great people at Kentucky Power Glide, Inc. Do you remember last year when they treated us all to the Kentucky Derby? Will you ever forget that?

Here’s the deal: we don’t want to let them down with any – how shall I say . . . personnel that doesn’t live up to the gold standard of the Hose Powder stunt performers. By that I mean our dear Morris. He has no business being anywhere near a staging area, much less a platform where the grass blades are launching.

Don’t Forget the Flitting Dandelions

Now, as far as the dandelions, they are all going to be on jetpacks. I have assurances that Morrey won’t be considered for a dandelion position, because he isn’t licensed as an authorized jetpack user. Need I remind you of the level of sophistication involved in some of their stunts, swooping down to the motorists on the Jersey Turnpike? You know the score, you know what I’m talking about, right?

The grass blades, I don’t know . . . that’s another story with the bungee cords. Still, do you want your brother flipping out of the heights, dive-bombing the parking lot of the Alexander Hamilton service plaza? If that doesn’t have potential disaster written all over it, I don’t know what does.

The Ballad of One Misguided Grass Blade

The bottom line is this, Lambkins, I can’t afford my stellar reputation being potentially besmirched by the actions of one misguided grass blade. I also can’t afford to be saddled with anyone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. Don’t forget, the incompetence of one performer could affect the whole shooting match.

I know you understand and look forward to you taking the proper steps to dissuade your father of this off-kilter proposition, thus saving my reputation as well as the health, safety and well-being of your brother.

I look forward to catching up with you in Chi-town over the Fourth of July.

Sincerely yours,

Dirkie Tirk

CEO – Hose Powder, Inc.