Things are heating up on the advertising front for Hyper-Citation, Inc. Noreen Crimpanfortis authorizes a press release announcing a spectacular new outdoor advertising display for Kentucky Power Glide, manufacturers of state-of-the-art lawn mowers for over three centuries. Morris remains aloof, and tries not to appear overly impressed with all the hoopla. Unbeknownst to him, he is being considered for a position with the stunt team on the massive grass suspension bridge spanning the New Jersey Turnpike near the Alexander Hamilton service plaza. But that’s the last thing on the young TV executive’s mind. It’s all about pitching shows to get him back to Burbank. Will Morris succeed in his attempt to come up with a series of shows worthy of network placement? Or will he buckle under the pressure and wind up working atop the dangerous Kentucky Power Glide display? And will it be his blundering incompetence that ultimately causes a 15-mile backup in either direction on the Jersey Turnpike? 

Kentucky Power Glide vs. the Undulating Lawn

Kentucky Power Glide vs. the Undulating Lawn

Hyper-Citation Media, Inc. announces its latest daring and dynamic outdoor advertising extravaganza campaign in conjunction with its international lawn care client, Kentucky Power Glide Inc.

Hyper-Citation, the definitive voice in creation of “Live-Action Billboards,” has just developed a new way of engaging motorists on both sides of the roadway. Utilizing the cutting edge “Undulating Rotational Effect,” or URE, the spectacular display operates on a gyroscopic principle. Two massive monopoles on either side of the turnpike, each rising to a height of 250 feet, support a flexible framework holding more than FIVE ACRES of lush Bermuda sod airlifted from a noted turf farm in the Pee Dee region of South Carolina.

Nothing Short of an “Engineering Masterpiece”

“We are very excited to bring this thrilling package to the American public,” states Noreen Crimpanfortis, VP-Business Affairs for the world-renowned media conglomerate. “I am ecstatic to announce that it’s an engineering masterpiece befitting the technical wizardry and innovative hallmark of a world-class Crimpanfortis visual display extraordinaire.”

The display is characterized by the sheer enormity of its dimensions. Comprising just shy of a jaw-dropping 250,000 square feet (23,225.76 square meters), the entire bridge-like configuration is set on a swivel that utilizes a series of gears and pulleys typically found in drawbridge technology. While digital billboards on either side of the roadway pulsate with the words “Kentucky Power Glide,” the superstructure arching above the turnpike starts bending and dipping at precarious angles. “Picture a suspension bridge in a hurricane right before the cables snap,” Ms. Crimpanfortis coos. “That’s the effect we’re trying to achieve with our rolling landmark high above the Jersey Turnpike.”

All about the “Pitching Bridge of Sod”

Day and night, a lone person operates a riding lawn mower on the pitching bridge of sod high above the heavily travelled toll road. The sheer danger inherent in this stunt cannot be overstated. The rider is required to get as close to the edge as possible. With the sod slanting at an obtuse angle–and bucking and twisting on top of it–there’s no margin for error. The lack of guardrails and a safety net further compound the prospects of a 250-foot drop into rush hour traffic.

If you know anything about Hyper-Citation Media, you know that crowd is never content with just “big.” There always has to be another element in the mix. This display is no different. In addition to the vastness of the undulating platform, plans call for nearly one thousand stunt people–dressed as dandelions and wearing jetpacks–to vault and tumble from the sky, whizzing past mesmerized motorists. A veritable host of humans dressed as grass blades will fly down on spangled bungee cords. They will regroup in the parking lot of the Alexander Hamilton service plaza before climbing back up and doing it all over again.

“Let us never lose sight of this one overriding fact,” Noreen Crimpanfortis gushes. “Kentucky Power Glide makes the finest product line of residential and commercial lawn care equipment in the world, and we’re proving right before your eyes that you can operate their units under the most strenuous and demanding of conditions.”

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