In this scathing interoffice memo, Noreen goes off on members of the ensemble cast of actors, trapped in the cutaway row home atop the billboard at the Columbus Blvd. exit ramp high above South Philly. Jacob gets burned for eating cereal in his underwear, but can you blame him? He and five other professional pitch-persons have been trapped atop this vertical asylum for almost six months now . . . and are growing more hostile by the minute! Noreen next lays down the law: don’t dump your laundry into rush hour traffic. She lambasts them for a failed pizza deliver attempt the other night and wonders out loud whether Jacob has taken to wearing thongs.
TO: Philly Actors on 1-95 Billboard at Columbus Blvd. Exit Ramp
FROM: Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs
RE: Your Stinking Crybaby Attitude
TRANSMITTED VIA FACSIMILE
You knew from the get-go this job was going to be no bowl of cherries. Or should I say bowl of Cheerios, Jacob? I know it’s been six months without a break but things are going to hell in a hand basket faster than I can process the infractions. Come on people, can we at least remain professional during waking hours?
Stop with the Underwear Already!
A few things have come to light that are really disturbing to our valued client, Bainbridge Furnishings Ltd. First and foremost, do not…I repeat, DO NOT persist in wearing your underwear in common areas that can be viewed by motorists–especially when you’re on the back porch taking out the trash.
Which leads me to my next point: no more flinging. We don’t fling things from 125 feet up and expect happy landings. That goes for the trash, and it especially goes for your laundry. I am so sick and tired of you wadding your sheets and whatever else into a tidy ball and then letting heave-ho into traffic. Do you know the problems you caused the other day? Whose thong got stuck to that poor man’s windshield wiper? And you’d better not tell me it was yours Jacob!
Jacob, Jacob, Jacob . . . answer me this. Why do men, while eating cereal in their briefs, feel the need to scratch their nether regions? Can you enlighten me on that? A little help, please, that’s all I’m asking for. In view of this I DEMAND YOU STOP EATING CEREAL IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AT THE KITCHEN TABLE─AND NO MORE SCRATCHING BENEATH THE WAISTBAND!
Am I clear on this?
Now . . . about that Stupid Pizza Stunt
Okay, so we all had a laugh the other night when one of you fools thought to order pizza from a helicopter. I know, I know . . . a drone’s not good enough for you clowns, right? Well, you went off script and got us some pub, but you also made us look like a bunch of rank amateurs. When the Crimpanfortis family negotiates a deal, they expect that deal to be signed, sealed and delivered, meaning that said pizza should have arrived at the front door piping hot and ready to consume instead of smashed into the side of the roof like a misguided pepperoni Frisbee. Do you know how bad that little stunt made us all look? And who was wondering how big a tip to leave?
Well I’ve got a tip for you: STICK TO THE SCRIPT! Do I have to repeat myself? STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
It’s the Eagles, Morons – Act Excited!
Now, I realize we’ve had problems getting a satellite hookup for the television. But you have to suck it up. When you gather around the TV, particularly during Eagles games, I want you to appear excited. You are ACTORS for heaven’s sake. Do you know what that means? It means that you can PRETEND to be watching television so convincingly that everyone passing by assumes that you’re having the time of your lives. Who cares that you’re staring at a blank screen? Just get with the program, okay!
I’m Ordering You, Keep It Together People!
I don’t know how much longer this campaign is going to last. It may go for two more years. May I reiterate a delicate subject I’ve touched on in the past? There will be no, and I repeat NO fraternizing between the sheets. If I get even so much of a whiff any of you jackasses are out of line, I’m going to personally pay a house call and pummel the offending parties. Do I make myself clear? Remember, those beds belong to the fine folks at Bainbridge Furnishings Ltd. You don’t even own the mattress pads!
Does this make it sound like you’re in prison? Let’s be clear on something: you’d have a lot more rights if indeed you WERE in prison!
Just remember one thing: at the end of the day, you’re international celebrities. Do you have what it takes to be champions? I dearly hope so.
Come on people, straighten up and fly right! Together we can make it!