Dirkie Tirk, President and CEO of Hose Powder, Inc. – “Your most trusted name in stunt recruitment, rigging and choreography” – takes the opportunity of a thank you letter to talk Noreen Crimpanfortis out of using her brother Morris V on a display in Nashville. Dirkie is as tactful as possible, explaining that conditions get very detrimental at those heights in the middle of the night high above Music City. It’s no place for lightweights. Dirkie in no way wants to cast aspersions on Morris V, but he has to look out for the safety of his stunt professionals. No amateurs are allowed at those heights.

Typical Gushing Thank You Letter with Underlying Agenda

Greetings Noreen,

First off, I wish to thank you for your recent order of Hose Powder rocket belts. I am confident these retooled babies will allow our billboard stunt people the flexibility to perform at far greater efficiency and precision than by deploying rudimental and antiquated bungee cords.

Under separate cover I have sent you guidelines and regulations for the use of these showstoppers. Under normal conditions they provide death-defying color to your promotions. But I don’t need to tell you, in the hands of ne’er-do-wells or rank amateurs they become the stuff of lethal weapons.

I guess it’s concerning this latter point that I write to you. Of course, the real reason is to thank you for the generous order of Hose Powder, Inc. patented rocket belts. But Noreen, our families have been tight for gosh, I don’t know, a number of generations, it seems like a few lifetimes, but I feel the need to broach a rather delicate subject with you, and that is this.

Nashville Spider Web is No Place for Beginners

Your father has got to lay off Morey V with these demands that I consider really dangerous. Now, I’m not calling your dad, Morris Crimpanfortis IV, a dangerous man per se. Please don’t get me wrong. But I think his zeal to make little Morris, his only son by the way, into some sort of swashbuckling billboard superhero who isn’t afraid of his own shadow is well…kind of unfounded. You know, with all due respect, wrongheaded.

Look honey we all have our personality quirks. I’m not trying to get in the middle of family dynamics. But if your dad is trying to make Morey into a “man,” then he might not want to start on a steel spider web 500 feet above Music City. Need I remind you that our stunt people are trained to the max. There is no way you can duplicate the situations these men and women have subjected themselves to over the years to arrive at this point. They are not denizens of some 9:00 to 5:00 office community. So to place Morris in these conditions is not only unfair, it’s in my estimation, deleterious to your brother’s survival.

Billboard Stunts are no Place for Little Morey

I hope I haven’t been too forward Bumpkins. I’m only writing to you in hopes you can head this off at the pass before a disaster occurs. Remember, we have the safety of our professionals to consider as well. Maybe, just maybe if your dad wants to involve Morey in the innerworkings of an exhibition he can use him as a spotter on the bungee platform. You know how we love and need our stagehands.

Anyway dear, it was great seeing you last Thanksgiving. I hope to be in Chi-town sometimes next month and will look forward to catching up over dinner.

Yours Truly,


President and CEO, Hose Powder, Inc