WXX-TV, the lone television broadcast property in Silt Ridge, Pennsylvania, is not what you would consider a powerhouse outlet. We hook up to a satellite system out of New Orleans (when the satellite is working), and they sell things like jewelry and closet organizers. I can’t say as though the network sells much merchandise on our station, because people looking for their next meal aren’t much into buying closet organizers. We do have the “Silt Ridge Midnight News” in which we report on all the things that go along with living in a really depressed region with all the stuffing kicked out of it. Yes, it’s really debilitating to watch.

WXX-TV: One Heckuva Lackluster Broadcaster

Bringing Bad TV to an Ungrateful Market

It’s been months and months since I was heartily dispatched from the world-class studio facilities in Burbank and summarily sent packing to WXX-TV, a forlorn broadcast property on the outer reaches of America’s forgotten coal fields. And it’s winter to boot.

Let’s be clear on this: Daddy never wanted this TV station to begin with. The two-bit, flea-gnawed property was a pawn in some higher up horse trading that involved stations in the Orlando and Detroit markets. Don’t ask me about the particulars, do I look like a financial guy? Anyway, the faltering fringe-dweller was thrown into the negotiations and before anyone knew it, it had become a part of Daddy’s group portfolio. It didn’t have much of a coverage area, so to speak, because its signal could never escape the mountainous bowl surrounding the ultra-depressed town of Silt Ridge.

But always the opportunist, Daddy never saw a property he couldn’t squeeze for sofa change. This proved the perfect landing spot following the fallout from my disastrous body cleanse game show in Burbank.

Do I Look Like a Financial Guy to You?

Restoration of my career started with turning around the financial fortunes of this loser. A task easier said than done. Nobody said it was going to be easy. And they were right. I ask you again; do I look like someone who can handled finances to you?

Looking to save a buck, Daddy gutted the facility to skeletal status: utilizing the bare minimum of personnel required by the Federal Communications Commission, I serve as General Manager. My full-time assistant, Verona Kendermants, answers the phones and is in charge of all office affairs including traffic, accounting, correspondence and quarterly filing with the FCC. She also handles camera chores when I tape local public affairs shows and keeps track of our commercial breaks on an Excel spreadsheet (or pencil and paper, if the electricity is down again). She dutifully orders office supplies and other necessities, like toilet paper and coffee filters. Verona makes homemade scented soap in the company kitchen. She is married to a guy who stocks produce at the Carbon County Price-Chucker. She is probably the most successful of us all.

All of our switching is handled out of Daddy’s mid-south hub in Charlotte, NC. Our contract chief engineer serves other stations in the northeast and we don’t see a lot of him. Our ad sales are handled by the Goosche Brothers, a pair of former professional baseball players. They own the media in this pintsize market and conduct business in an intimidating way. They control buys with an iron fist, and are very ruthless in determining who’s a player and who’s not. In all fairness, they’re just too much of a load to try to deal with at this juncture.

The “Silt Ridge Midnight News”–Your Nightly Dose of Despair

Weeknights we air the hour-long Silt Ridge Midnight News utilizing a crew of eager, underappreciated and marginally talented freelancers and volunteers.

We are always staving off creditors because Daddy wants to put me in a position to make me sweat. Daddy negotiated a deal with a shopping channel out of New Orleans that sells stuff like jewelry and closet organizers. We don’t do real well in the marketplace because there are not a lot of people in Silt Ridge looking for jewelry and closet organizers. They may be looking for their next bowl of soup, but not closet organizers.

The One Thing this Joint Has Going for It

The one thing setting this station apart from all of Daddy’s other properties across America is the physical plant. WXX-TV, the pissant TV station, broadcasts from the Graphite County Opera House, which can seat up to 4,500 patrons.

Daddy got the Art-Deco facility on the cheap. Though Silt Ridge no longer boasts a symphony orchestra, the facility truly looks spectacular in the brochure showcasing all of Daddy’s other 28 TV stations. It even puts the property in Manhattan to shame.