Salty McStarryffar, emboldened reporter for the Millennium Mercury, chides timid readers who object to the Kalabrashion’s queasy display in Carlsbad, CA that turns a billboard into a prison for disgraced politicians. But wait, there’s more! Playing on the “stool pigeon” aspects (because you know these nitwits would sing like canaries in order to reduce their well-deserved sentences), we transition to “stool softeners.” So these arrogant fools are now the unwitting spokespersons for laxatives – in what amounts to the EXACT OPPOSITE of what a well-choreographed Crimpanfortis display would evoke.

You Got a Problem with Convicted Politicians on a Billboard?

How’d They Get up there in the First Place?

So I ask you: what’s wrong with a billboard doubling as a federal maximum-security prison for disgraced politicians? I mean really . . . what’s the big stinkin’ deal?

I’m so sick and tired of your pansy-cake people moaning and groaning about Paymor Kalabrashion’s latest work of art. Yes, that is correct: he has elevated outdoor advertising to an art form–unlike that cheapo Hyper-Citation outfit you always hear about that think they’re king of the hill just because they love the bungee cord. I’m talking purebred creativity with the Kalabrashion crew, the family dedicated to outdoor excellence. They make it real with all of their downtrodden themes. Who could ever forget the raingear display where the billboard contingent carried umbrellas that opened up as buzz-saws? BLAMO-gee-oh-whiz, what a gut-wrenching display, filled with hypersensitivity and American angst. Will you ever forget the name of Caesar’s Tool and Supply based on that award-winning campaign, the best diamond-tipped saw blades in the free world?

What’s your Beef with the Carlsbad Display? – Jerk!

Now, my latest beef is with you bleeding hearts who take umbrage with Paymor Kalabrashion’s display in Carlsbad, California. Welcome to Death Valley, you pampered fools. What did you expect: cherry blossoms and kitten whiskers? So you’ve got some politicians gone bad wearing prison puce atop a billboard towering above the desert. Excuse me, is anyone judging these sad sacks? Are you telling me the same thing couldn’t happen to you, given similar miserable circumstances? Then just shut up and go back to your corner you blithering wine-sucking morons.

Excuse me, does anyone have a problem with these crooks promoting a dietary fiber product? Our resident genius, Paymor Kalabrashion, has hit gold in so many winning ways across all platforms. First of all, you have the stark visuals. Imagine yourself, average motorist–that would be you, fool–tooling through the desert, wondering if it is ever going to end, then BLAMO-gee-oh-whiz, you come upon this mammoth billboard with the cutaway cell doors and ball and chain and puce-suited celebrity politicos. You know all their names, you’ve ogled them on the tube before. As a sidebar, they could even stage fights with their lawyers who couldn’t figure out how to get them off for good behavior. You know those lovable politicians, always angling to stage something salacious, heh-heh.

Stool Pigeons Get a New M.O.

Then you’ve got the added bonus of them promoting the benefits of a bona-fide fiber product. Think about this: how revolutionary is it to utilize hardened criminals, former career politicians, to talk about stool softeners? You’ve heard of stool pigeons in the incarceration vernacular; I guess stool softeners fits right in with that jargon. So you see the softer side of these crooked politicos–I’m talking both in the figurative and literal sense here (more pure genius from the copy staff of Paymor Kalabrashion)–and it’s supposed to register with you and ideally make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Are you telling me you have a problem with this whole package? Are you saying that Kalabrashion is exploiting these poor saps, playing off their unfortunate captivity to order them around and dictate what they consume? You got a problem with that, you tree-hugging vermin? For one thing, you’re downright un-American if you don’t see the economy of scale in this beauteous economic model. Why pay for actors when you can get them for free? Why pay stunt people and all the ancillary insurance when you’re dealing with talent that looks upon these adverse conditions as further exposure to promote their oversaturated egos? I know, win-win-win all the way around, right?

Coming to a Rat Farm near You

So to all you naysayers and kneejerk pansies out there, stay in your lane. Realize that you are experiencing the raw power and majesty of a plan working perfectly, playing out across the fruited plain in such a way to make us all proud. The next time you want to put a little fiber in your diet, think of the sorry ex-lawmakers two-hundred feet above the desert floor. Realize the utter genius in using these gilt-edge losers to hammer home the message of regular bowels. Is it any wonder why Paymor Kalabrashion is taking over the world? He’s coming to a rat farm near you, and who knows–maybe the next thieving senator you see will be smiling because of the fiber in his or her diet.

Whatever it takes to push product, right?