Noreen Crimpanfortis sniffs out some foul play on the part of the Kalabrashion crew as relates to a dangerous display at a Palm Springs car dealership. The Kalabrashions make a perverted career out of counterfeiting the purity of a grand Crimpanfortis display. In this installment, Noreen calls for an all-hands-on-deck effort to stamp out the efforts of this merry band of jackasses who are using innocent customers to navigate bumper cars three hundred feet above the desert floor. One wrong turn and WHAM-O!

TO: All Staff Personnel

FROM: Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs

RE: Kalabrashion Uprising


I just want to make you all aware of the latest sham being put forth by Paymor Kalabrashion and his band of merry jackasses. Their latest outdoor display somewhere on the 10 out by Palm Springs is purporting a wholesale shakedown of the auto industry. Some poor misguided dealership opened the coffers to this pack of jackals and they have proceeded to bust the doors down.

More Kalabrashion Chaos – A Twisted Vintage Car Carousel 300 Feet Up

The trades are covering this, but if you are heretofore unawares, here’s the rundown in a nutshell: they’re sending customers who claim they got sold a lemon up a pseudo pneumatic elevator to a super billboard high above the dealership lot. There, the hapless people are forced to sit behind the wheel of a vintage convertible Belair where they are required to steer around a ramp encircling the billboard five times. One little twitch and they’re plummeting to the lot below. Rumor has it they’re extending the rideshare program to people who visit the dealership but refuse to buy a car. So they’re held hostage until this little act can play out.

I know we’ve discussed this in the past, but the Kalabrashions are a bunch of vipers looking to take us down. Morey, you in particular are the most susceptible to their evil wiles. I know you’re also the most gullible, and they will stop at nothing to worm their way into the family business with the goal of causing us potentially irrecoverable harm.

Our Superior Stunt Personnel will Always Save the Day

That’s why I want all hands on deck on this matter. They are trying to bring us down in the trades, telling reporters that we wanted to do the dealership trick first with frightened customers. Let me tell you something, and if you all don’t know this by now, you shouldn’t even be working here: Hyper-Citation stages its own death-defying displays that make this one look like child’s play. The only difference is Hyper-Citation uses its own stunt personnel. And the stakes are never higher when we put on a display. There is no way we would involve innocent bystanders in these evil games of tugging on the heartstrings. You all know how much time, thought and energy goes into staging one of these ultra-coordinated displays, not to mention pure guts. Don’t let anybody tell you differently. The Crimpanfortis name stands apart. Never forget that.

Dirkie Tirk, I’m placing you and your capable department on high alert. Fan out across the countryside and start sniffing around to see if these animals are up to no good. I’m beginning to smell a rat the size of Texas and a full-scale takedown. We want to beat them to the punch, whatever they have planned, and turn it right back on them.

That goes for vandalism too. I’m sure they would like nothing more than to destroy the infrastructure integral to one of our displays. Why stop at one? Maybe they have a whole series of boards in mind. Don’t take anything for granted. Our stunt people must remain alert at all times to the perils that the Kalabrashions represent. I know how difficult this is because of the extreme conditions endured by our precious stunt persons at those mind-blowing heights, incurring frigid temperatures and hammering wind currents, but there you have it. That’s the challenge that’s spread out before us.

A Special Warning for our Weakest Leak . . . That Would Be You, Morris

That should just about do it for now. Morey, I’m warning you, keep a vigilant eye for anything suspicious. They are going for the weakest link, and that’s clearly you. We’re currently mopping the floor on the national stage with these losers and I want to maintain the upper hand in all of our dealings. Our overriding goal is to keep the Interstates free of riff-raff so that Hyper-Citation’s brilliant brand continues to shine through. Remember: these knuckleheads don’t have a clue. They have made a career preying on us and sucking the life out of the industry. We owe it to ourselves–and the world–to fight them to the death.

Just to be clear on this: we don’t hit below the belt

At least not when we can help it.