House Atop the Exit Ramp
We are treated to a press release from the Chicago office of Noreen Crimpanfortis heralding the six-month anniversary of the roommates sharing the cutaway four-story row home on the billboard above the Columbus Blvd. exit on I-95 in south Philly. In this robust and praiseworthy press release, Noreen gushes over the exposure for their client, Bainbridge Furnishings, Ltd. (a bargain retailer); the six actors, three males and three females, have become fixtures of Philadelphia, a real part of the...
Political Perp Walk
Salty McStarryffar, emboldened reporter for the Millennium Mercury, chides timid readers who object to the Kalabrashion’s queasy display in Carlsbad, CA that turns a billboard into a prison for disgraced politicians. But wait, there’s more! Playing on the “stool pigeon” aspects (because you know these nitwits would sing like canaries in order to reduce their well-deserved sentences), we transition to “stool softeners.” So these arrogant fools are now the unwitting spokespersons for laxatives –...
Don’t Mess with Piranhas 300 Feet Up
Toby Klabenschattz, junior beat reporter for the Times Herald Chronicle, reports on another car dealership outside Santa Clara, CA that was tricked by the wily, despicable tactics of the greasy Kalabrashion crew. As we all know, the vaunted “Crimpanfortis Touch” represents the gold-standard of outdoor advertising. Chief among corporate dictates is the admonishment to “keep it real.” By that we mean no chintzy fake stuff. And that especially means no animatronics. So why was it so odorous and...
Shaky Driving Above Palm Springs
Noreen Crimpanfortis sniffs out some foul play on the part of the Kalabrashion crew as relates to a dangerous display at a Palm Springs car dealership. The Kalabrashions make a perverted career out of counterfeiting the purity of a grand Crimpanfortis display. In this installment, Noreen calls for an all-hands-on-deck effort to stamp out the efforts of this merry band of jackasses who are using innocent customers to navigate bumper cars three hundred feet above the desert floor. One wrong turn...
Rust Belt Ruckus at Mineshaft Burger Joint
Time has forgotten the importance that Silt Ridge played in the nation’s rich industrial heritage. As a major coal supplier, the region fueled many a factory and facilitated countless American Dreams. Like other Rust-Belt casualties, the town has fallen on some tough economic times. But don’t tell that to the people: Hadley Codfaldt, for instance, has a radio talk show that reaches roughly half a billion listeners around the world (when, of course, the satellites are working). Then there’s...
Coming Soon to Coal Country: Can We Handle It?
Toby Klabenschattz, junior beat writer for the Times Herald Chronicle of Silt Ridge, Pennsylvania, reports that big things are coming to the faded coal region. The city’s lone television station, WXX-TV, is being purchased by a media mogul out of Chicago by the name of Morris Crimpanfortis IV, and will be run by the son of the media titan, Morris Crimpanfortis V. Toby finds that Morris V is very affable, yet an elusive interview, who claims that he doesn’t have anything important to say. We...
Leaving Burbank in the Red-eye Dust
This is another installment in the continuing saga of failure that seemed to follow Morris Crimpanfortis V wherever he went. We learn that he had the good fortune of caddying for one of his father’s TV execs in a celebrity golf tournament and was subsequently awarded a position at the Burbank studio. There, he learned the ropes and generally comported himself in a professional manner. But that, of course, did not last forever. Overstepping his boundaries, he produced an infomercial that went...
Making the Move to Chi-town
Chicago was the hometown of Morris Crimpanfortis IV, and you couldn’t find a more centralized location to base your operations. The number of broadcast TV properties he owned coast-to-coast numbered in the dozens. These were TV stations in markets large and small, from New York City to Victoria, Texas. They were all powerhouses, not a weakling in the bunch. With a bustling broadcast hub in the heart of the Loop, Mr. Crimpanfortis was an icon in the industry. Now the question was: what would...
Jetpacks and Chimney Sweeps – Mama’s Lasting Legacy
When Mama was in charge, look out. A true visionary, she had the moxie and foresight to see that her wild-haired schemes came to fruition. Rest assured, there was never a dull moment when Mama was jamming the controls, and the “Live-Action Billboards” were no exception. As they became more sophisticated – they also grew more dangerous – by the day. Stunt performers worked eight-hour shifts ‘round the clock and saw it all: they wore jetpacks, wingsuits and bungee harnesses. Their job was to...
Kalabrashion Uprising: A Multimedia Arch Enemy
We find out in life that things just don’t happen overnight. That includes bitter feuds that result in fierce rivalries spawning buckets of libel, slander and toxic treachery. The bad blood between the Crimpanfortis and Kalabrashion clans stretch back five generations, before the two cataclysmic sunspot attacks nearly decimated Planet Earth. We find that Brookens Kalabrashion got his nose out of joint because Morey Crimpanfortis was more agile and adept at bringing in new business. Jealousy...