We find out in life that things just don’t happen overnight. That includes bitter feuds that result in fierce rivalries spawning buckets of libel, slander and toxic treachery. The bad blood between the Crimpanfortis and Kalabrashion clans stretch back five generations, before the two cataclysmic sunspot attacks nearly decimated Planet Earth. We find that Brookens Kalabrashion got his nose out of joint because Morey Crimpanfortis was more agile and adept at bringing in new business. Jealousy and animosity became the fuel that propelled the Kalabrashion crowd into mimicking the Crimpanfortis and counterfeiting everything they did to attempt to gain fame and fortune for their own sordid gain.

The Evolution of a Multimedia Arch Enemy

How the Kalabrashion Crowd Became our Bruising Nemesis

Without question, our biggest threat to market supremacy and ultimate survival is Paymor Kalabrashion and his band of disreputable miscreants. Paymor is undisputedly Daddy’s fiercest, most unforgiving rival. The families have been slugging it out for the better part of five generations. And like any other longstanding feud, it has not gotten any better with time.

Paymor’s great-great granddaddy, Brookens Kalabrashion, was as close to a gossip-monger as you could get. His two-bit, flea-bitten “newspaper,” if you could even call it that, was a salacious collection of libelous innuendos and half-truths that somehow allowed him to eke out a living while eluding the legal clutches of those he regularly and maliciously maligned.

Bottom Feeders from the Get-go

What Brookens lacked in class and ethics he made up for with an aggressive business acumen that bordered on belligerence. No dummy to bottom-line sensibilities (and bottom-feeder tactics), he targeted the burgeoning Crimpanfortis media empire as a vehicle for his toxic brand of tattletale scuttlebutt. As a thinly veiled freelance reporter, he offered up fabricated tales that masqueraded as being wholly authentic, with a style that he considered both hard-hitting and colorful.

Acting more along the lines of an informant or stool pigeon, as opposed to an honest-to-goodness journalist, he agreed to “sell” these salacious tidbits to the Crimpanfortis media conglomerate in exchange for stock in the company and “future considerations.” The way he saw it, if he could ride the stately Crimpanfortis coattails, he could make a name for himself while carving out a lucrative stake in the corporation’s growing national audience.

The Old “Carriage Stand behind the Train Station” Trick

Old Morey Crimpanfortis didn’t see it that way. He didn’t just laugh Brookens out of his office over the gossip-monger’s perverted business proposal, he ordered him out, Flanked by armed guards, the sputtering counterfeit journalist was dragged out of the building and rudely deposited in the area across the cobblestone street and down the brick-lined alley, where carriages waited behind the train station.

Brookens wasn’t about to take this rebuff lying down. Burning with rage, fueled by jealousy, he vowed to bury the Crimpanfortis family before they achieved any level of success. That touched off nearly a century-and-a-half of some of the most vile and malicious business practices ever perpetrated in the annals of free-market vindictiveness.

Whatever You Can Do I Can Do Cheaper

Thinking he could do it better, Brookens built his own twisted empire. But the only way he could compete was to lie, cheat and steal–which he proved very adept at. These malevolent practices only became more pronounced generation after generation until now. No one knows the depths that Paymor Kalabrashion, representing the younger, up-and-coming iteration of the family, is willing to plumb in order to get his way . . .  including, perhaps, murder.

It should come as no shock that the off-kilter Kalabrashion agency is heavily into live-action billboards. But nobody . . . nobody does billboards like Daddy. The Kalabrashion crew is nothing but a weak imitation. They don’t have the first clue about putting together a world-class display, yet they gladly take a bunch of cheesy shortcuts to save time, money and personnel. And it shows, too, if you know what you’re looking for.

Wrongheaded Purveyors of Deceit–You Gotta Just Love ‘Em

Everything the Crimpanfortis family rolls out, the Kalabrashions have an answer for– only their answers are perverted and wrongheaded. They are nothing but cheap purveyors of darkness and deceit. Whereas the Crimpanfortis family lifts civilization high, the Kalabrashion’s goal is to tear everything down. If something is supposed to be fun and alive, the Kalabrashions make it dreary and foreboding.

Paymor, the vilest member of a vile family, is a bit older than me. I have never met him and have been told to avoid him at all costs. He’s up to no good and will stop at nothing–even if it entails violent criminal activity–to sully the esteemed Crimpanfortis name.

In short, he’ll wink at you while ordering his lieutenants to wrench your nose off . . . with a pair of loose-fitting pliers.