Toby Klabenschattz, junior beat writer for the Times Herald Chronicle of Silt Ridge, Pennsylvania, reports that big things are coming to the faded coal region. The city’s lone television station, WXX-TV, is being purchased by a media mogul out of Chicago by the name of Morris Crimpanfortis IV, and will be run by the son of the media titan, Morris Crimpanfortis V. Toby finds that Morris V is very affable, yet an elusive interview, who claims that he doesn’t have anything important to say. We find that to be very refreshing – and wonder why that is.

Coming Soon to Coal Country – Can We Handle It?

Possibly coming to a Town near You (Meaning Us)

Today I am reporting on a growing phenomenon known as “Live-Action Billboards,” which are rapidly becoming a staple in the lucrative outdoor advertising industry (commonly referred to as “out-of-home”). For those of you not familiar with the format, or if you’ve been living under a rock the last few years, these displays dot our nation’s highways and byways featuring stunt work and swordplay and jetpacks and all kinds of elements meant to wrest your attention from the roadway to the heavens.

Nashville Pests

The concept started a couple decades ago on the south side of Seattle, and has been gradually refined and perfected into pure visual extravaganzas. If you’re driving down the freeway and see extravagantly costumed men and women dancing on an elevated set before launching themselves into space, then you have stumbled upon one of the patented and magnificent Live-Action Billboards. For instance, I have learned of a campaign for a pest company in Nashville featuring a five hundred-foot-tall spider web with stunt people crawling to the top before an aerosol is released sending them all flying on their bungee cords to Interstate-40 below.

This is the product of the genius of mega-billionaire media impresario Morris Crimpanfortis IV. The Crimpanfortis family has long been a revolutionary force in American media, having instituted a national newspaper that thrived from the late 1800s to the early 1900s on contests and coupons. “It was interactive before the computer,” says Noreen Crimpanfortis, the Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation, Inc., according to a recent press release (though Ms. Crimpanfortis could not be reached in her Chicago office for direct attribution). “You can’t ever sit still,” the media heiress adds. “You always need to keep grinding because you’re always looking to push new boundaries, open new doors, see expansive vistas, and routinely crush the competition.”

Coal Mining Connectivity

If you are anything more than a casual observer, you will know that the Crimpanfortis Empire is slowly but surely making inroads into our coal mining community of Silt Ridge. The Crimpanfortis Family Trust Foundation, the same entity that owns and controls all the fancy billboards across America, is the same family that owns a network of radio and TV stations coast-to-coast. And guess where one of those outlets is located? That’s right our very own WXX-TV is a part of the Crimpanfortis holdings. In fact none other than Morris Crimpanfortis V, the current General Manager, is the son of the legendary adman.

Elusive vs. Just Plain Scared

I have tried on numerous occasions to get an interview with the elusive Mr. Crimpanfortis. I realize that being part of a family worth tens of billions of dollars that consistently depends on the bleeding edge of media supremacy to advance its groundbreaking causes is a demanding job and time is at a premium. I have found that Mr. Crimpanfortis is affable enough, definitely a “hail-fellow-well-met” sort of chap.

And I must add, Mr. Crimpanfortis is quite possibly the most honest person I’ve ever met. Whenever I press him for an interview or quote, he responds by saying he has nothing interesting or important to say.

And that, I think you’ll agree, is rather refreshing.