We are given a queasy glimpse into the despicable motives of the Kalabrashion crowd as they prepare to invade the depressing town of Silt Ridge. Toby Klabenschattz, local beat writer for the Times Herald Chronicle, outlines the band of jackals’ desperate game plan. They will smile in your face while pretending to be respectable landscapers. Then, the minute your back is turned, the hooliganism explodes into “Full-Jackal Frenzy.” Instead of showing up before your garden party, they show up DURING the affair. You think they have mufflers on those thundering air-cooled, supercharged power plants? Think again. But the deafening racket is the least of the homeowners’ problems. Then we have the cold-blooded proposition of the mower blades. They are horrendously prominent on the front ends of these customized contraptions that are designed to do more than cut grass. And then there’s the issue of artificial turf. Word has it they’re hatching a vile plan to invade the town’s stadium during the middle of a high school football game, where they are guaranteed to make mincemeat of the down markers, and everything in between . . .

Lawn Mowing to Make Your Armpits Pucker

Shades of Evil Invade Lawn Mowing Proposition

It has come to my attention that we have some real hard-bitten shenanigans afoot, and the whole kit and caboodle might be coming to the idyllic shores of Silt Ridge. By that I mean the Kalabrashion crowd, and their reckless brand of hooliganism that will make your armpits pucker and your toenails curdle.

Somehow, these spiritless heathens have figured out a way to pervert the age-old pastime of mowing the lawn. I’ll give one for you, and I’m sure a lot of you out there can relate. Remember as a kid, going to a night game at the pro baseball park? Remember going up the steps and then looking down the main part of the stadium onto the field? Remember how magical the whole thing looked – the verdant, manicured grass bathed in incandescent brilliance? Well, take that precious vision, and then besmirch it with the onerous antics of the Kalabrashions.

Lawn Mowing Advisory – Watch the Jackals You Hire

The jackals’ latest stunt (and I mean stunt in a childish, awful and perverted way) is in direct opposition to the purity of a new display being mounted by the folks at Hyper-Citation, Inc. Being from Silt Ridge, you should know that Hyper-Citation is the proud owner of WXX-TV, as well as the Graphite County Opera House. The legendary Morris Crimpanfortis IV is still, to my knowledge, calling all the shots. But we in Silt Ridge are privileged to have the son, Morris Crimpanfortis V, as General Manager of the television station. I have found Mr. Crimpanfortis to be more than generous with his time in discussing the various affairs of our fair community.

But here’s what you need to watch out for: do not, and I repeat . . . DO NOT, under any circumstance, outsource your lawn mowing needs to strangers. My sources tell me that the Kalabrashions are literal wolves in sheep’s clothing as they infiltrate other communities across this great country. They appear all sweetness and light at first, and sign up customers like they’re the friendliest chaps you could ever do business with. And they maintain that sunny disposition for the first couple of cuts. Then LOOK OUT! The tide will turn, and not for the best. Instead of affable, likeable landscapers, they will don the typical fright gear, including the menacing masks, and their lawnmowers will sprout fangs. I mean LITERALLY SPROUT FANGS!

No Sissy Riding Mowers for this Crowd

Don’t think for one minute the Kalabrashion cabal goes in for riding mowers. No, they accomplish all of their treachery on foot, behind push mowers. What better way to sneak up on unsuspecting souls than with a push mower? Huh? Try that one on for size.

Listen to me while I tell you how they operate. They finagle their way into your life, they get you feeling all warm and fuzzy about their existence, and then WHAM – here they come to make your life a miserable pit of despair. Do you have a garden party coming up? How about an outdoor wedding? Maybe your high school is having a homecoming football game. Leave it to the Kalabrashion crowd to work its bubbling cauldron of despicable treachery into every last crack and fissure of your pursuit of good times.

Their machines of destruction will appear as the heads of ravenous beasts as their grinding blades, sharpened beyond any measure of well-intentioned reason, are poised to make you think twice about ever going OUTSIDE AGAIN! Hear me people as I warn you, this pack of wolves is out for your complete, wholesale destruction. And if you give in to them the first time, they will come roaring back for more and MORE AND MORE!

Artificial Turf Need Not Apply

Finally, woe to any of you high schools with artificial turf. The band of blistering jackasses will put the blades down low and shower the premises with ersatz grass blades, not stopping even if there’s a play going on in the middle of a football game! And here these babbling cretins are running ruinous lawn mowers through your peace-loving lives and leaving a swath of devastation that has no right, no rhyme or reason of being part of our communal vernacular.

Do I make myself abundantly clear about keeping this horrific band of landscapers from taking over our beloved American towns?

Salty McStarryffar, the acerbic beat writer for the “Millennium Mercury,” goes on a rant about what she considers the “cheesy outdoor displays” staged by the Crimpanfortis crowd. She assaults the Crimpanfortis contingent for lacking “real-world sensibilities,” decrying the fact that they miss the point of real life because they are not in touch with the grit that makes up the lives of real, ordinary people. She then lauds the Kalabrashion crew on their ability to mow a lawn in record time, with maximum efficiency. Ms. McStarryffar conveniently downplays the fact that the Kalabrashions show up like a hungry pack of wolves to mow your lawn in the middle of a garden party or outdoor wedding – at a time most inconvenient to your schedule. Ms. McStarryffar tries to lay out a compelling argument that the equipment used by the Kalabrashion scoundrels is a “cut above” (no pun intended, and you can take it up with Ms. McStarryffar if you feel overly offended); but even the stunning equipment gets old after your property has been ground into an unsightly, barren wasteland . . .

You’ll Never See Another Lawn Party Quite Like This!

Forget those Corny Grass Blades on Bungee Cords

A lot of trash has been talked about the cutesy displays that the Crimpanfortis family stages across America. Well I’m here to tell you, those billboards are nothing but a joke! And the odds are stacked against the noble Kalabrashion contingent, because old man Crimpanfortis has a stranglehold on the lobbyists in DC.

There! I said it! Is everyone happy now? I feel like some kinda lone wolf out here howling in the gale-force annals of time. But you know the score, I can only hold back for so long. Take for instance that dumb display the Crimpanfortis jerks are staging on the Jersey Turnpike. You know the one I’m talking about. Gimme a break, it’s the one up by the Alexander Hamilton service plaza! Pay attention, people! PLEASE!

I can’t comprehend it. They’re all gaga over their corny grass blades on bungee cords. Let me say that once again to let it sink in: “CORNY GRASS BLADES ON BUNGEE CORDS.” Do you know how stupid that sounds? Only a fool would fall for that tripe. And I know there are millions of fools out there who make it a point to go out of their way to experience one of those displays. I have just one piece of advice for all of you yokels: GET A LIFE!

More Erratic than a Bucking Bronc with Hemorrhoids

Now let’s talk about the real world – the world inhabited by the Kalabrashions. You want to talk about lawn mowing? The Crimpanfortis crowd can have their undulating sod bridge above the Jersey Turnpike all they want. Have you ever heard of something so stupid in all your life? Who is going to mow their lawn on a sod bridge that jerks up and down and squirms around with more intensity than a bucking bronc with hemorrhoids?

But the Kalabrashions have the answer: they attack the real-world sensibilities with real-world solutions. Their lawn mowers do not perform “tricks” 250 feet above a busy roadway. Not on your life. The Kalabrashion lawn mowers do exactly what they’re made to do: mow lawns with a flourish! With a FEROCIOUS FLOURISH, might I add?

You Got a Problem with Spilled Motor Oil on Your Front Lawn?

If I may be allowed to bend your ear, watching a well-oiled Kalabrashion crew is like witnessing art in action. They show up to mow a lawn and they mean business. It doesn’t matter what kind of event you’re staging: a lawn party, outdoor wedding, lawn bowling or your garden-variety sporting event – when the Kalabrashions arrive, things get done.

What’s that? Did I not explain myself properly? Well you’d better listen up and start paying attention then! You might think I meant that the Kalabrashions show up to spiff up your property BEFORE the event . . . wrong! They arrive DURING the event, with fire-breathing blade-grinding machines capable of tackling the toughest foliage and tallest weeds, before turning their focus squarely on the GUESTS!

Shut your pie holes and gather around. It gets even MORE RIVETING. Every last bit of it is recorded on video – all the shock, awe and outrage – and it’s then fed across digital billboards so that all of the passing motorists can see the stunned reactions.

Pomp and Circumstance Plus Pure Chaos

Dig this, you gummy batch of hamstrung yokels: we’re not talking about any lawn mowers . . . we’re talking about the storied line of “Critter Cutters.” These works of art feature the heads of wolves, tigers and badgers. I don’t need to tell you how sharp the blades are – and where they are located. Unlike normal lawn mowers, the “Critter Cutters” brandish exposed blades – you guessed it . . . just like grass-stained FANGS. And wait ‘til you see the looks on some of these people when the Kalabrashion crew slashes valiantly through their precious event – BLAMO-WHAMMY! It’s a priceless co-mingling of pomp and circumstance and PURE CHAOS!

I could go on and on about the reactions of stupid fools who get nearly run over by the chop-chop-chop of the beautifully chopping blades. Just check out the video catalog, or better yet, take a gander at a billboard down the block. You might just see your neighbor bust a move trying to get out of the way of a snarling Bengal tiger. I have to tell you, that that alone is worth the price of admission.

So get with the game plan, people. Realize that the Crimpanfortis crowd is a bunch of gilt-edge losers. If you want to ride with the winner, you gotta hop aboard the Kalabrashion Express.