TV Pitches

Noreen Crimpanfortis should receive a commendation for performing one of the most onerous aspects of her otherwise highflying career: as gatekeeper for the barrage of overwrought and oftentimes just plain stupid TV show pitches from her clueless brother Morris, it’s a wonder she has a shred of patience left. But you can’t blame a young buck for trying. Examples of Morris’ queasy and misbegotten programming pitches are as follows:


“Reality between the Runways”

“The Weather Report Over/Under”

“The District of Columbia Film Commission”

“Bowling for Stock Options”

“Integrity Matters”

“Place Commercial Here”

“Commercial Bonus Board”

“Ultimate Commercial Challenge”

“Untapped American Water Features”

“Vintage Car Repo”

“Copyrighted Recipes”

“Motorcycle Pothole Racing”

“Supermarket Confidential”

“Philly Firsts”

“Parking Lot Football League” (rights only)

“Political Remodeling”

“Time Travelling Reruns”

“Utopian Taxis”

“Congressional Cuisine”

“Boxing for Big Bucks”

“DIY Means ‘Ducks Insulting Yokels’”

“Foreign Language Family Competition”

“Harrowing Home Movies”

“Inside Vegas”

“Poker for Plumbers”

“Grunge and Buckets”

“Convenience Store Spectators”

“The Hyperlocal Network”

“The Clerks’ Network”

“The Truckers’ Network”

“RV Travelogue”

“Hubcap Heaven”

“So. Philly”

“Real, Real, Reality Estate”

“Used Car Confidential”

“The Next Christmas Card”

“Mobile Device 101”

“Gone Fishin’”

“Hunting for Hardwood”

“Spinning History”

“Healthy Games”

“Original Fretwork”

“Personal Trainers”

“Bursting with Benjamins”

“Reptile World”

“Graffiti Brigade”

“The Floor Plan”

“Jingle Writing Competition”

“Last Mattress Laughing”

“Talent on Call”

“The Big Architecture Show”

“Commercial Dating”

“Homegrown Commercials”

“Row Home Remodeling”

“Bus Shelter Art”

“Nightmare Travel Tales”

“Miniature Golf Food Obstacle Challenge”


“Thousands of Locations to Choose From”

“Astronomical Game Show”

“The Neon Show”


“Body Language”

“Parking Space Competition”

“House Sitting with Spies”

“Grueling Guts Golf”

“Flimsy Skyscraper Bridges”

“Spectator Sport with a Bite”

“You Call the Game”

“Keeping Your Weathercasters Honest”