We are given a queasy glimpse into the despicable motives of the Kalabrashion crowd as they prepare to invade the depressing town of Silt Ridge. Toby Klabenschattz, local beat writer for the Times Herald Chronicle, outlines the band of jackals’ desperate game plan. They will smile in your face while pretending to be respectable landscapers. Then, the minute your back is turned, the hooliganism explodes into “Full-Jackal Frenzy.” Instead of showing up before your garden party, they show up DURING the affair. You think they have mufflers on those thundering air-cooled, supercharged power plants? Think again. But the deafening racket is the least of the homeowners’ problems. Then we have the cold-blooded proposition of the mower blades. They are horrendously prominent on the front ends of these customized contraptions that are designed to do more than cut grass. And then there’s the issue of artificial turf. Word has it they’re hatching a vile plan to invade the town’s stadium during the middle of a high school football game, where they are guaranteed to make mincemeat of the down markers, and everything in between . . .

Lawn Mowing to Make Your Armpits Pucker

Shades of Evil Invade Lawn Mowing Proposition

It has come to my attention that we have some real hard-bitten shenanigans afoot, and the whole kit and caboodle might be coming to the idyllic shores of Silt Ridge. By that I mean the Kalabrashion crowd, and their reckless brand of hooliganism that will make your armpits pucker and your toenails curdle.

Somehow, these spiritless heathens have figured out a way to pervert the age-old pastime of mowing the lawn. I’ll give one for you, and I’m sure a lot of you out there can relate. Remember as a kid, going to a night game at the pro baseball park? Remember going up the steps and then looking down the main part of the stadium onto the field? Remember how magical the whole thing looked – the verdant, manicured grass bathed in incandescent brilliance? Well, take that precious vision, and then besmirch it with the onerous antics of the Kalabrashions.

Lawn Mowing Advisory – Watch the Jackals You Hire

The jackals’ latest stunt (and I mean stunt in a childish, awful and perverted way) is in direct opposition to the purity of a new display being mounted by the folks at Hyper-Citation, Inc. Being from Silt Ridge, you should know that Hyper-Citation is the proud owner of WXX-TV, as well as the Graphite County Opera House. The legendary Morris Crimpanfortis IV is still, to my knowledge, calling all the shots. But we in Silt Ridge are privileged to have the son, Morris Crimpanfortis V, as General Manager of the television station. I have found Mr. Crimpanfortis to be more than generous with his time in discussing the various affairs of our fair community.

But here’s what you need to watch out for: do not, and I repeat . . . DO NOT, under any circumstance, outsource your lawn mowing needs to strangers. My sources tell me that the Kalabrashions are literal wolves in sheep’s clothing as they infiltrate other communities across this great country. They appear all sweetness and light at first, and sign up customers like they’re the friendliest chaps you could ever do business with. And they maintain that sunny disposition for the first couple of cuts. Then LOOK OUT! The tide will turn, and not for the best. Instead of affable, likeable landscapers, they will don the typical fright gear, including the menacing masks, and their lawnmowers will sprout fangs. I mean LITERALLY SPROUT FANGS!

No Sissy Riding Mowers for this Crowd

Don’t think for one minute the Kalabrashion cabal goes in for riding mowers. No, they accomplish all of their treachery on foot, behind push mowers. What better way to sneak up on unsuspecting souls than with a push mower? Huh? Try that one on for size.

Listen to me while I tell you how they operate. They finagle their way into your life, they get you feeling all warm and fuzzy about their existence, and then WHAM – here they come to make your life a miserable pit of despair. Do you have a garden party coming up? How about an outdoor wedding? Maybe your high school is having a homecoming football game. Leave it to the Kalabrashion crowd to work its bubbling cauldron of despicable treachery into every last crack and fissure of your pursuit of good times.

Their machines of destruction will appear as the heads of ravenous beasts as their grinding blades, sharpened beyond any measure of well-intentioned reason, are poised to make you think twice about ever going OUTSIDE AGAIN! Hear me people as I warn you, this pack of wolves is out for your complete, wholesale destruction. And if you give in to them the first time, they will come roaring back for more and MORE AND MORE!

Artificial Turf Need Not Apply

Finally, woe to any of you high schools with artificial turf. The band of blistering jackasses will put the blades down low and shower the premises with ersatz grass blades, not stopping even if there’s a play going on in the middle of a football game! And here these babbling cretins are running ruinous lawn mowers through your peace-loving lives and leaving a swath of devastation that has no right, no rhyme or reason of being part of our communal vernacular.

Do I make myself abundantly clear about keeping this horrific band of landscapers from taking over our beloved American towns?