We have clawed and scratched our way back from the solar flare attack that nearly took the world down. We may not be contemplating trips to other galaxies just yet, but at least the traffic lights work. And we still may be a little lax on recursive algorithms and beam stack searches, but our dedicated techs have resuscitated the venerable fax machine. So while we’re not exactly communicating at warp speed, we’re not reduced to fumbling around in the dark either. And you thought unpaved cul-de-sacs on the moon were gauche . . .

Selling Used Cars on Mars is Gonna Have to Wait

Digging Out from the Second Great Sunspot Dilemma

Before embarking on the misadventures of Morris Crimpanfortis V and his family’s media-manic escapades, a little housekeeping is in order. The world was in recovery mode from the solar flare debacle that had occurred a decade earlier. Though not necessarily living like cavemen (as was the case following the first solar flare catastrophe), we were definitely not yet back to being at the top of our game. Revisiting 1985 technology is DEFINITELY NOT being at the top of our game.

Unpaved Cul-de-sacs on the Moon . . . how Gauche

This is how it had all gone down nearly ten years ago: no sooner had we contemplated selling used cars on Mars, then . . . WHAM! Here comes the Second Great Sunspot Dilemma. What a mess. It couldn’t have happened at a worse time. The second installment occurred just after we’d finally cleaned up from the first dilemma, a process lasting eons more than we thought it would. And to think–we’d just figured out how to plant palm trees along the boulevards of Mercury without the fronds constantly exploding in riotous combustion!

The Second Great Sunspot Dilemma differed from the initial one in terms of severity. The second iteration of the solar-induced disturbance was not nearly as devastating as the first. Maybe we were better prepared the second time around. It took less than two years to start communicating with each other again instead of the decades-long fiasco following the first worldwide outage.

Going from a Harley-Davidson Softail to a Rickety Trike

Of course, we were never the same after the first debacle. So to say we recovered quicker from the second one is not really telling the whole story. The first iteration delivered a knockout blow to engineering feats, technical marvels and digital masterpieces that had marked the supremacy of earthly dominance across a number of cosmic dimensions, only to be eclipsed by the jarring reality that nothing lasts forever. So if you considered the infrastructure and economic engine that existed before the first meltdown, it was like going from a Harley-Davidson Softail Standard to a rickety tricycle. We had barely recovered our ability to time travel when BLAM-HOOEY, here came another bout of those nasty solar flares.

Recursive Algorithms and Fluctuating Traffic Lights

We have clawed and scratched our way back. We may not be contemplating trips to other galaxies just yet, but at least the traffic lights work. And we still may be a little lax on recursive algorithms and beam stack searches, but our dedicated techs have resuscitated the venerable fax machine. So while we’re not exactly communicating at warp speed, we’re not reduced to fumbling around in the dark either.

At least the masses are not feeling it to such an extent on the moon. Then again, those zany pioneers were never really living in what you would call an “advanced civilization” to begin with. If you have any doubts, just check what it means to be “outhoused.”

A Thousand Recycled Satellite Channels–Finally!

So that’s a brief rundown of our current situation. Every now and then there’s a breakthrough: somebody figures a way to power up a long-dormant satellite so we can receive a thousand more TV channels; a cell tower here or there may be reactivated, only to flicker and falter in the next rainstorm; robots, even primitive versions that can’t think for themselves, make sporadic comebacks. Still, all the pieces of the glorious civilization have yet to coalesce in a way that will allow us to become the shining planet on the galactic hillside we once were. And though a whole generation, me included, never knew the world when it was so advanced, so sure of itself, can you blame any of us for wanting a rapid return to the superlative nature of things?

Billboards Make It Real . . . In Any Galaxy

Until then, we try making the planet the best place possible in which to live. My family’s company, Hyper-Citation, is certainly doing its part. We’re bringing outdoor advertising to new heights, and it only gets better and more daring each day. We’re also attempting to do new and innovative TV programming and that’s where I hope to someday make a meaningful and long-lasting contribution.

We look forward to that point of time when our billboards will be in other galaxies. Who knows what we’ll be advertising? And to whom? We don’t even know what basic forms of communication will be involved. All we know for sure: it’s going to be unpredictable; and it’s going to be a hoot.

So stay tuned and stay prepared to reach the hearts and minds of individuals of all walks of life–across all dimensions, all channels and all annals of time–many of whose DNA you probably wouldn’t recognize if it hit you squarely between the eyes.