Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs, proudly announces the launch of a new display above Kansas City for “The Verdict,” a home alarm system that really packs a wallop. The ranch-style house is positioned on a platform 210 feet above the onramp where I-70 meets the 435. The actors, all clad like cat burglars, dangle from a hovering helicopter and are thwarted each time they try to break in. Be especially cautious of the patented bricks that explode into groins when a break-in is detected. The shenanigans are shown on widescreens lining the Interstate as the bad guys repeatedly get caught with their pants down.

Memo to Crooks: You’re Gonna Hate these Bricks

The Outdoor Division of Hyper-Citation, Inc. appears to be hitting its stride when it comes to billboard advertising. Having invented and pioneered the innovative form of advertising, the agency seemed content to let the concept percolate while the company invested its time and resources in the broadcast end of its media empire. Now, the throttle has been fully let out, and the company is acquiring more locations and clients.

The “Judge, Jury and Executioner” of Home Invasions

Latest example of this land rush is the joint production between The Verdict Home Security Systems and Hyper-Citation featuring a houseful of sass. The Verdict, as you might recall, is commonly called the “judge, jury and executioner” of the lucrative home security industry. “The Verdict is really the all-in-one solution to home break-ins,” says Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation, Inc. “Depending on how the bad guys roll, they’re either going to be hypnotized by patented window music or half the house is going to fall on them. “Either way, their no-good, dirty-rotten dastardly deeds are effectively going to be silenced for good.”

Ticklish PR Hurdles

The Verdict has had some ticklish PR hurdles to overcome right out of the blocks. The product was released to market with some of the bugs still in it. When set on “ultra-sensitive” homeowners found they set off the alarms when they coughed or passed gas in what the attorneys called a “jarring and aggressive” way. Those initial kinks have since been ironed out. “Look,” said Ms. Crimpanfortis, “we’re not going to climb into bed with just any hack off the street. Over the years, the Verdict has presented a tried and true product that has revolutionized the high end of the home security product category.”

Hyper-Citation is taking a big leap in showcasing The Verdict in all its glory on the approach to I-74 outside Indianapolis. “We are departing from our cutaways to place a fully erected ranch home on the top of a monopole.” Ms. Crimpanfortis explains. The location will have around-the-clock activity with plenty of attempted break-ins. Stunt people suspended by wire will try breaking into the house every way possible. “It’s not just limited to people being flown at the corners, the outside of the house is going to be literally crawling with would-be intruders; they’re going to thicker than cockroaches.”

“Crotch-thumping Bricks” – Yes, We Have the Patent

Whenever a break-in is thwarted, there will be a loud discharge and an explosion of fireworks. Stunt people will be suitably protected from everything the house can throw at them, including hypnotic window music and blowtorches from the tops of downspouts. There will be plenty of sound effects to accompany the visuals, including the screams of would-be invaders as they succumb to the ravages of the patented “Slicing Shingles” and “Crotch-Thumping Bricks.”

All about the Show

“It promises to be a good show,” Ms. Crimpanfortis proudly states. “But at the end of the day, it’s all about international sales. We want to present The Verdict to the world as a no-nonsense deterrent to home invasion. We also want to send a message to the perps: you never know what’s embedded in the fabric of one of these homes. So if you think you got what it takes to deal with this punishment, go ahead and bring it.”

One thing that no one can dispute is the fact that Hyper-Citation, as usual, has “brought it.”

And a whole lot more.

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