Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs for Hyper-Citation, Inc., orders this dictate for the higher-ups at the various TV stations across the country owned by her father, the legendary Morris Crimpanfortis, IV: under no circumstances are they to give any airtime, or mention any names of the salivating hyenas who want to take their empire down. In a scathing all-company memo, Ms. Crimpanfortis warns stations along the line to turn a cold shoulder on any requests for commercial airtime or news features. The Kalabrashion crowd will stop at nothing to get their evil brand of malice front and center in the public’s mind, so this will serve as a notice to be on the lookout when these seemingly innocent businesspersons who come knocking on your pristine corporate doors. If you have a lapse of judgement and hire one of the crews, it’s all on you; Hyper-Citation will try coming at the problem from fifteen different angles, but at the end of the day, if you ignore this memo, it becomes fully your deal to figure out . . .

TO: All Network Personnel Including General Managers and News Directors

FROM: Noreen Crimpanfortis, Vice President of Business Affairs

RE: Shutting Down the Kalabrashions

TRANSMITTED VIA FACSIMILE

Read this and react at your own peril. I am requesting you – no, check that . . . I am ORDERING you to refrain from giving the Kalabrashion jackasses one MINUTE of mention on your TV stations, including all broadcast, streaming and social media platforms. That means no mention in newscasts and definitely, NO SPOT BUYS.

Here’s the deal: it’s not like this has never happened before. Every time Hyper-Citation rolls out a new display, these arrogant jackals feel the need to throw their two-cents into the mix. Case in point: remember what they did in response to our spider web in Music City? They went on a multi-city tour and poured out dump truck after dump truck of live roaches into crowded movie theaters, concert venues and jam-packed shopping malls. Big joke, right? Hah-hah. I’m still laughing myself silly over that one. WRONG!

High-minded Cockroaches Dealing with Co-op Dollars

Those louse-ridden cretins are it again, counterfeiting another one of my father’s glorious testimonies to commerce, art, advertising and magnificent visual splendor. My family’s plans call for an undulating sod bridge high above the Jersey Turnpike to showcase the stellar qualities of the Kentucky Power Glide lawn mower line. You may recall airing multiple flights on your stations in the past. You scored some nifty co-op dollars off that little lash-up right? That paid the electric bills, and handsomely padded someone’s commission check. I’m not being smart here, I’m just reminding you where your loyalties had better lie. Where your bread and buttocks are buttered. You CATCH MY DRIFT?

The Kalabrashions have found a new way to draw attention to their devilish enterprises while attempting to drag us down in their malicious undertow. My sources tell me that they have galvanized a desperate campaign to turn lawn mowing into a horror show. Here’s how it works: they worm their way into a town, undercutting the competition – and you better not call me on the fact that I just made a pun – and act all cheerful and polite. They keep this mealy M.O. up for a few weeks, for three or four quality cuts – and then BLAM! It’s lights out.

Making Mincemeat of Lawn & Garden Parties

What do I mean by that? Well, they’ll show up uninvited and unexpectedly at lawn parties and outdoor weddings and they’ll turn on the charm in the most bizarre, disconcerting of ways: in this case it means heavily supercharged lawn mowers that have been distinctively customized to bring out the greatest levels of fright in the intended victim – meaning the stunned and frightened customer. It gets worse, because after tearing up the lawn and peoples’ sanity during precious outdoor events, they then take it to high school stadiums while actual GAMES ARE BEING PLAYED! I don’t have to tell you the mess that results when they take out their venom on artificial turf. It’s a blizzard of stems, with whirring blades converging RIGHT ON THE PLAYERS!

Free Airtime Going Forward a Definite No-no

So listen up people – and I’m especially talking to you, GMs, GSMs, AEs, News Directors, social marketers and brand managers – do not, and I repeat DO NOT give these salivating jackasses one IOTA of free airtime during the news or as advertising clients. They relish making their antics into news events. DON’T GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION. If you must report these landscaping travesties, do so in a vague way. Make it seem like small-time antics, like this is kid stuff. Don’t – and I repeat DO NOT attribute these putrid indiscretions to ANYONE. And do not, DO NOT NAME NAMES! No harm, no foul – NO BIG DEAL, right?

I’m glad that’s all understood. But let this serve as sufficient warning: if I get wind of any of you attaching the Kalabrashion name to one of these grass clipping fiascos, your job status in the vaunted CRIMPANFORTIS TELEVISION GROUP will be severely in jeopardy. Coppice?

Now that we’ve cleared the air on this score, carry on. Please.