Johnny Carson Would Not Be Impressed
When does something cross the line from being groundbreaking to gimmicky? That is the question that Morris Crimpanfortis must grapple with at this evening’s production meeting for Anthracite Tonite. Members of the crew meet in the “Boca Grande Room” at the legendary Five-Points Highway Diner to find out just what Morris means when he talks about a venomous snake on set. Morris pontificates about the halcyon days of television talk shows, dominated by the likes of Johnny Carson, whose...
Rattlesnakes and Free Testosterone Levels
The assembled production crew of Anthracite Tonight, meeting in the storied “Boca Grande Room” in the rear of the Five-Points Highway Diner, has hit somewhat of an impasse. Hadley Codfaldt, world-famous radio guy (when all the satellites are working properly) asks for clarification regarding the need to have a full-time rattlesnake on set. Vick Banzler, the Graphite County DA and renowned regional herpetologist, explains the perilous nature of having a slithering time bomb like this on set....
The Best Lawyer Venom Can Buy
Morris continues his conversation with the smooth-talking radio personality, Hadley Codfaldt, about new rules for the pro football league. Hadley wonders if they shouldn’t change the name from Pro Football League to PROfitable Football League. The Five-Points Highway Diner erupts when the dashing Vick Banzler, Graphite County DA, bursts into the room. Decked out in a black Western-cut suit and black cowboy hat with that mesmerizing Errol Flynn smile, he grips an undulating burlap sack in his...
Belinda Bessemer: Co-anchor with Baggage
In this installment, Morris Crimpanfortis addresses some rather provocative and sensitive issues involving Belinda Bessemer, co-anchor for the local Silt Ridge Midnight News. We are treated to a rather vague and unsettling description of the Grilled Canary Gentlemen’s Club, where Belinda performs nightly, apparently to the howling adoration of a good portion of the local male population. Like everyone else in this crumbling coal region, Belinda supplements her income in order to pursue her...
Queen of Coal Burgers Rocks Drive-thru
You really can’t beat the meatloaf special with string beans at the Five-Points Highway Diner. Yum. Now that’s eating. But Morris Crimpanfortis V is not especially enjoying his meal this evening. The projected launch date for Anthracite Tonite is bearing down on him like a ton of sizzling ingots, and the all-important decision for a co-host hangs in the balance. Jonas Cider is trying to make a case for himself, but Morris knows he’s all wrong for the part. The erratic yokel can’t be trusted...
Jonas Cider: Portrait of an American Liability
It’s no secret, everyone tries to hone in on the action when there’s the faintest whiff of stardom or instant wealth on the horizon. Jonas Cider, bless his antagonistic, ingratiating soul, is no different. Ever since Morris Crimpanfortis arrived in this squalid, two-bit former coalmining bastion, people have been trying to hop aboard the gravy train for a nonstop journey to perpetual fun in the sun. Jonas Cider contends that he not only wants to be, but has the right to be, Morris’ sidekick...
Peach Pie and Poisonous Snakes
They should really make a national landmark out of this place. The venerable Five-Points Highway Diner has seen its fair share of drama. It was one summer day in the shadows of the veranda that Vick Banzler pointed to the fulminating sky with the head of a venomous snake and proclaimed that the next installment of the Great Sunspot Dilemma was hurtling toward Earth. These days, the local hangout is home for Morris’ legendary preproduction meetings in advance of the launch of his hour-long...
Little Leaf Crunchers Make Lingerie Happen
It’s no secret that Silt Ridge has a rich and storied history. The “silt” could easily be converted to “silk” because the town has a heritage of harnessing the power of silk worms to create a world-renowned industry. Morris drives by one of the buildings that housed the billions of worms; it stands like a hulking sentinel in the coalescing grey clouds. Morris wonders what it must have been like back then in that cultured era. There must have been buyers coming in from all over the world to...
My Life is a Cheesy “Bootstrap” Poster
Perry Quinnion, like most everyone else in Silt Ridge, is a part-time employee. In order to supplement his income, Mayor Quinnion creates and hawks pseudo-inspirational posters at the main intersection of town. Morris looks down his nose at this self-serving venture, viewing the posters as kitschy, gauche and overly simplistic. But the people of Silt Ridge seem to like them just fine. Morris doesn’t know where they get the shekels to buy the pricey items, but he’s not here to ask questions or...
More Frieze Than a Fresco Can Handle
Morris drives through the lonely, snowy streets of Silt Ridge on his way to a boisterous preproduction meeting at the Five-Points Highway Diner. Down Second Avenue, he sees the Gypsum Palace Cinema, which is another prodigious local landmark, much like the Graphite County Opera House, where he and Verona Kendermants office and which is owned by Daddy. Morris remembers the first time he saw a movie at the storied Palace Cinema. He was seated alone in the ornate balcony, eagerly anticipating...